Top ten things that would sound great when apocalypse is a day away !

Here's a small mid week post to put a smile (hopefully) on ur face...

For those of you who dont know: Apocalypse means "The End of the World"

.... yes it means the end of Katherine Heigl too.. now shut up and read on.

Two things led to this post. An overdose of David Letterman and his funny top ten series every day... and a movie called "Knowing" starring Nicholas Cage..

For the record.. the movie was downright spooky...all about the end of the world.. This got me totally cranky and i was on the phone for a long time with you-know-who... getting consoled that the world would end only in a few billion years when the sun finally swells up cuz of eating too much hydrogen....

It was later, that the humor of the whole thing hit me. So here're the top ten things that would sound cool when said on the day prior to the apocalypse.

10. There was a leaked version on You Tube a few days back


9. And i thought Kolangal was going to reach 35000 episodes


8. Look ! Macy's is having an "End of the World" sale....


7. No.. I dont think Reparo works on a broken earth.


6. Crud.. all 532 friends have status updates on FaceBook that say "goodbye cruel world !"


5. Is Panda Express / Saravana Bhavan open today ?


4. Shit ! I knew sending Michael Jackson up there was a bad idea...!


3. At least we wont have to sit through Vijay's next movie....


2. USPS...How may we assist you? Yeah Hello....I'm calling from East Lansing and I need to send something by express mail.. Will it reach India by next week ?


1. So you wanna go get some dinner?.. seeing as tomorrow's the end of the world and all



(Thanks for reading ! Comment away !)

Harry Potter and The Indian Directors

Now that all the buzz about the new harry potter movie has subsided and the movie has been declared a major hit. Its time for the gods of the blogo-sphere to inspire their bloggers to start tearing up the franchise. I like the Harry Potter books and movies far too much to start a full fledged parody, but I did think of something that got me on the track to this post.

We Indians are always complaining of how our directors take seemingly wonderful and bankable concepts and turn them into something terrifying...Directors and producers are always accused of doctoring scripts to their liking and turning characters upside down..

On that note. here's how the harry potter movie would have been if directed by some of the best filmy talent that India has to offer....

:::The Subash Ghai Version:::

Harry is brought up by his rich foster parents in urban Mumbai. The Father and Mother are typical rich parents who dont have time for the kids.Harry's only friend in the house is McGonagall, an old Dadima who still wears a white saree at all times. His step-brother Dudley is a spoilt rich kid who has his way with the wine, the women and the money. He eventually gets into trouble when he has sex with a poor girl and makes her pregnant....Harry in the meantime has fallen in love with this poor girl.

Meanwhile..dadima dies and leaves Harry a big fortune. He takes the money, marries the girl and runs away to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he meets Dumbeldore and other insignificant friends of his who are around just for comic relief....

A couple of years later we go back to the house.. the Father is dying and Dudley has squandered away all his money. The mother is sitting with a photograph of the four of them together.....In Hogwarts, Harry suddenly realises that Dumbeldore is actually the dadima's husband who died but never died.. But thats a plot twist just to make sure the audience doesnt sleep in the middle.

Harry returns to his old house to save the day... There's a long chorus of lalala's and the family unites... the father is miraculously healed and dudley is miraculously made into a gentleman who wears a huge red tilak on his forehead.. all of them move to LA and live happily ever after. the movie ends with all of them smiling in front of a huge photo of the dadima :-)..Dumbeldore has shaved. just to show that he's happy now. The End.

Voldermort?... no....Ghai's movies dont have villains...

:::The Ram Gopal Varma Version:::

Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione and another random character are on a road trip when they come into a village to shop for trinkets and stuff...There's a item number in the village with Nisha Kothari. ...When they finish shopping Hermione collapses and complains of a severe headache... They take her to a village hospital which was actually a school of witchcraft and wizardry a few thousand years ago. A ghost of a female student who was raped and killed returns as Vaaldermaart the Ghost.

But meanwhile there's a don in the village and Ron joins the don as his right hand man. There're random flashbacks that show the don gaining his power. There's another item number here where we have Hermione dancing in front of all the ghosts.

Ginny dies....The other three go out into the forest and dont return for a couple of days. Harry decides to go looking for them. The forest is eerie and full of strange bird calls and animal sounds from animals you wouldnt find in india in a million years. Harry eventually discovers an ancient temple in the forest and finds the body of Ron. As he is examining Ron's body he is attacked by zombified versions of the dons and his henchmen. There's Urmila Matondkar in the movie but dont ask me what she's doing..all this happens and by this time the audience is feeling very hungry..so most people just leave the theatre and go home.. so yeah.. The END

:::The Sooraj Barjatya Version:::

The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is just one big family. They all do everything together. There're fifteen songs in the first half and all of them involve some random character's wedding. Voldermort is a builder who wants to build a supermarket in the same site as Hogwarts and he comes over to ask them to sell the house. Dumbeldore, the man of the house refuses and when he's being persuaded... Harry and Ron, the two brothers of the house intervene and ask the builder to leave.

The builder has a daughter called Hermione and Ron falls in love with her. When this happens, the family begins to distance themselves from Ron. Harry and Ginny get married and McGonagall, the old dadima of the family keeps crying that Ron isnt there. There're another 15 songs in this wedding.

In the midst of a random altercation, it is suddenly revealed that Harry is an adopted son... Harry is going to move out of the house with his things when a small girl walks out of Hogwarts and runs to him..There's thunderous background music and everyone cries. Harry is ushered back into the house and everyone cries again. There's another song here... No wait.. there's two more songs here....Ron suddenly comes back one day and asks for help. Harry is now the man of the family because Dumbeldore is ill. Harry welcomes Ron and Hermione back.. and then they all cry and laugh at the same time. The audience is dreading another set of songs...and they all run out of the theatre.. The End.

::: The Mani Ratnam Version :::

Well, This guy is pretty good. So no major differences to the original story...but there're a lot of his usual creative liberties.... The entire movie is so dimly lit that the audience realises the movie has begun only through the Rahman's background score.. Most of the dialogues in the movie are monosyllabic....just grunts and groans that are meant to convey emotions et al...

....and yeah.. its bilingual release. The movie is a big hit in Tamil...and an average grosser in Hindi. The movie is dubbed in telugu and malayalam.....does ok business there...There's at least one group of people Mani pisses off with the movie and then he holds a press conference to explain that his characters do not represent any persons living or dead.

He immediately begins working on his next movie.. and everyone begins to speculate what the story of that movie may be... The end ?

::: The Deepa Mehta Version :::

She changes the movie's main character from Harry Potter to Harini Potter..She doesnt do men...Note: The Author doesnt do Deepa Mehta either...

::: The Shankar Version :::

Harry Potter joins Hogwarts. Discovers that Hogwarts is being run by corrupt politicians who have black money and connections with un-gentlemanly people. A mystery killer known as "The Wizard" begins to take revenge on these people. Harry's best friend Ron provides comic relief. Ginny is a seemigly adakka odukkamaana (conservative) ponnu who wears bikinis and halter tops in the songs....There's an introduction song and a song where Harry and Ginny dance. The set probably cost more than the monthly budget of Tamil Nadu and all the backup dancers are dressed as broom-sticks..

Voldermort is this politician head honcho who fears that this mystery killer might eventually get to him. The seemingly superhuman "Wizard" is caught red handed and unmasked...it is revealed that he is Harry.

Then comes the highlight.. a long winded flashback that takes us back to Harry's childhood.. His parents, his uncles, his aunts and his pet hamster are all killed by a corrupt politician...So that day Harry vows to return and take revenge..

Harry escapes from prison with Ron's help and gets back to Hogwarts. Voldermort and Harry have one final obligatory battle and then the movie ends with the police conveniently forgetting that Harry was just accused of a crime...What about Ginny?.. yeah well.. what about her.. a couple more songs and a couple more revealing outfits.......The End..

Note: Some of this stuff was inspired by a chat conversation with Abinand

::: The version starring Vijay, irrespective of the Director :::

Vijay plays Harry who is actually Superman, Batman and the Flash all rolled into one. He flies without the broom, He casts hexes without the wand and Ginny falls head over heels for him when she sees him first. Dumbeldore is Harry's father and he gets killed by local goons and other assorted antisocial elements. The supreme villain is a local MLA called Voldermort..Vijay uses his superpowers to avenge his death. The End...

What?.. yeah.. the movie is over.. the end.. wait for another six months and another movie will release with another title but the same story...and probably the same songs by Devi Sri Prasad.

::: The Simbhu Version :::

Its announced that someone else directed the movie, but we all know simbhu actually directed it. Yuvan Shankar Raja does the music with a few songs sung by Simbhu himself. Ron is played by Santhanam who is irritating in most scenes...

Hogwarts has a lot of loose women and Simbhu seems to enjoy it. Many women end up dead and then there's a flash back...Simbhu's father Dumbeldore was betrayed by a sexy witch who dumped him and went to Voldemort... Ginny is the only nice woman and she gets dumped by Simbhu in the end.

Moral of the Story: All women will sleep with you and then dump you....

The movie is lame... but runs because of the songs and Ginny's costumes... The End.

(Hope you liked that one ! Comment Away !)

Ramayana - The Action Comedy (Part 3) - Battles and Big Brothers

This is the GRAND FINALE ! For Parts 1 and 2 read my previous posts. Read the original posts at http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com

So at the end of part 2.. it was decided that the superpowered monkey god Hanuman go to see whats up at Lanka and try to reason with the ten headed Demon King Raavan. Here's how it happened..

Sugreeva: Order in the court...

Lakshman: Yeah ORDER in the court !!

Sugreeva: We need to decide on several important things today !

Lakshman: Yeah ! Several important things today...

Sugreeva: But our first order of business..

Lakshman: Yeah ! First order of business..

Sugrevaa (is getting slightly annoyed): Ok .. i dont see why you're repeating after me..

Lakshman: Yeah.. I dont see....w..wait..what?

Sugreeva: Yeah..I dont see why're u repeating after me..Hanuman..why did u even bring these guys here?!

Hanuman: Boss.. they got the dough..and they willing to pay big bananas for a search and rescue job down south..

Sugreeva: Whats the take ?

Ram: My Wife...she's been kidnapped.. and We need your help in getting her back..

Sugreeva: Hmm...I see Raavan's at it again.. The last time he kidnapped someone's wife we went into war with him and there weren't many of us who returned in one piece..We need to send someone to reason with Raavan before we do something brash......Those who volunteer to go.....Do not raise your hand..

Lakshman, Sugreeva and a host of other people raise their hands to not volunteer.. Hanuman is unfortunately asleep !

Hanuman: snore.... snore....(wakes up) Wha..?....

Sugreeva: Hanuman..you're going to Lanka..

Hanuman: what?.. i thought we were ALL going to lanka..

Sugreeva: Nope.. this time its just you..you're going to go try talk some sense into Raavan's head..

Lakshman:.....and i heard he has 10 of them..

Hanuman:.. wives?

Lakshman: No.. heads..

Hanuman: ... well...I cant go alone !?!.

Sugreeva: Technically.. u have to.. Ram cant come along cuz he's the hero and the readers are waiting till the end to hear about his big confrontation with Raavan. LAkshman cant go because he's a douchebag..

Lakshman: What?!

Sugreeva (continues):.. and I cant come along cuz i'm the boss...so its going to be you alone.....but.... well...there is one person i can send along with you...provided you promise to bring her back in one piece..

Hanuman: Wow.. a damsel along for the journey..?!..

Sugreeva: Well.. she's not a damsel.. per say... but she's gonna have to do..

Hanuman: Anyways !! I'm on pins and needles here..who is it !!!

Sugreeva: Its Bruno.. the Monkey Princess..turned austrian reporter...

Hanuman: Sorry. there's room only for one person on my jet. c ya later. bye....

Hanuman somehow manages to sneak past Raavan's border patrol.. and reaches Sita in the infamous Ashok'van...Raavan's garden.

Hanuman: Hello there.. lady..!!

Sita: If you're another one of Raavan's demon courtiers... I'M NOT INTERESTED !!

Hanuman: Oh dont flatter yourself honey.. i'm hanuman.. u can call me MR.Hanuman..I'm a mesenger from Ram.

Sita: WHAT?.. Incarnation of GOD.. and all he can do is send a monkey ?!

Hanuman: Monkey God, is more like it...and well.. I"m a monkey god with the siddhis

Sita: What the heck are those?

Hanuman: You know.. the usual.. Super Strength, super speed, teleportation, infinite size, infinite lightness, telekinesis, telepathy, mind control and of course.. invulnerability...

Sita: Well...... do you have claws?

Hanuman: Sure thing.. i got long nails...

Sita: Not claws like that.. Claws like this...show him wolverine..

Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: (snikt!)..Yeah..!! Like this ....(Does claw dance)

Raavan: Whats this racket all about ?!

Hanuman: Look who finally decided to show up...

Raavan: Do you have any idea who i am ?!

Hanuman: Wait.. dont tell me..Ten heads.. and no brain...Twenty hands.. but not a hint of deodorant usage.. u must be Raavan...

Raavan: Seize him !!!

Hanuman is bought to raavan's court all tied up and is interrogated by the demon king himself.

Raavan: Who are you?!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.

Raavan: I know thaaat.. i saw ur id card .. but who's husband AAARE you..!!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.. the monkey god..and i'm single..

Raavan: wait what?.. U're not here cuz i kidnapped your wife?

Hanuman: Nope.. I'm here to ask you if you'd be interested in being my "its complicated" on Facebook..

Raavan: Was that some kinda joke?

Hanuman: actually...It was.. and i bet it took u all ten heads to figure that out!

Raavan is obviously enraged and orders his courtiers to tie hanuman up and set fire to his tail..Hanuman, the super cool superhero makes his tail infinitely long just to spite the already pissed off demon king..

Raavan: you're a Superpowered monkey god and all you can do is extend your tail ?

Hanuman: Well.. i'm saving all the other gadgetry for the final battle.

Raavan: What final battle ?

Hanuman: You know.. the one where ram arrives with his army and smashes through you to get Sita back ..

Raavan: oh.. well.. so its Ram's wife i kidnapped yesterday.. the suspense was killing me... ok.. go ahead men.. set fire to his tail..

Hanuman runs through Lanka and sets most of the city ablaze before flying back to Ram, Sugreeva and Lakshman.

Lakshman: So what happened ?

Hanuman: Well.. he set fire to my tail and i set fire to his city... I consider us even.. for now..

Ram: Hanuman.. you're back !.. Is sita all right ?!.. is she fine ?... Did you tell her we'd come for her soon ?

Hanuman: Yeah yeah.. she's doing fine.. appparently drove all the ladies in Raavan's harem nuts with her talk, so he had her shifted to the gardens....

Ram: You mean my poor Sita is all alone ?

Hanuman: Naah.. from the looks of it.. she's got Hugh Jackman as Wolverine for company..

Ram: What ?!... How're we supposed to rescue her from him?!

Bruno: You dont Vurry your pretty head about that raam dear..I vill take Care of Him...Bruno Style !

So plans for the big battle are drawn and they begin marching towards lanka...when they reach the borders of the Lankan city where Sita is being held captive..Sugreeva takes over..

Sugreeva: All right.. so here's what we do..Ram, you locate Raavan and engage him..Lakshman, you take care of Raavan's Son Indrajit....

Lakshman: What ? I thought you were letting me go to the Harem !?

Ram: You arent.. so shut up and pay attention..

Lakshman: Yeah?! Who died and made you boss ?!

Ram: Ok.. you asked for it...Hanuman.. get me a webcam and a laptop..put Urmila (Lakshman's Wife) on the line..

Lakshman: OK ! Sorry !..

Hanuman (chuckles): Well..Lakshman... there's Bruno available when you need him..last i heard they said that kinda thing was ok in India..

Lakshman: Sugreeva.. continue .... please..

Sugreeva: Ahem.. and i was saying.. Bruno takes care of Wolverine, me and Hanuman are going to engage the rest of Raavan's demon army....

Ram: What about Raavan's personal guard..I cant take care of all of them alone..

Sugreeva: Dont worry. I've got you a partner who'll help you with that one..

Ram: What?.. who?!

Sugreeva: He's someone who can handle a thousand demons at once.. fly through the air at the speed of sound..smash through walls of solid rock and rattle off smart sounding one liners !!...

Ram, Hanuman, Lakshman and Bruno: WOW !

The battle begins and each of them engages their respective quarry. Here's how that goes.. Note: The battle between Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and Bruno hasnt been reproduced here to keep up with the PG-13 rating of this blog.

Lakshman: So you must be Raavan's Son..

Indrajit: So you must be Ram's brother..

Lakshman: so what's you story?

Indrajit: Talk less.. fight more..TAKE THIS !

Indrajit impales Lakshman with his Barcchi arrow and leaves him wounded...Lakshman's cries for help are heard by Hanuman and the others.. A distraught Ram asks Hanuman to look for an antidote for the poison that is slowly taking lakshman's life..Hanuman returns soon.. but there's a slight problem..

Ram: What the heck is he carrying ?

Hanuman: Hey guys.. couldnt find the plant you were looking for.. got you the whole mountain instead... You can go looking for the plant yourself..I'm hungry ...

Lakshman is eventually cured and engages Indrajit and defeats him. Meanwhile, Hanuman and Sugreeva are having problems of their own..

Hanuman: Nice...real nice.. i didnt know Raavan's demon army was 720 milion strong !

Sugreeva: Well.. if you got any nice new powers that you've been saving.. you can use them now..

Hanuman: Sorry to disappoint.. but nope..nothing up my sleeve i haven't already tried...I think its time to use our ultimate secret weapon...

Sugreeva: We havent used that one since the great battle of Pani-Puri..

Hanuman: No other go..!!

Sugreeva: All right here goes..!!

(Weepy chorus la la la begins to play...) Karan Johar: Welcome...Today we're gathered here to see my latest movie...."Kabhie Rakshas Kabhie Ram"...starring 33 characters with the silliest story of all time...

The demons are caught up in an intricate, sentimental love story that spans 4 hours..by the end of it, they're all so brain dead that Hanuman, Sugreeva and Lakshman have managed to sneak into Raavan's chambers undetected..News of his demon army being subdued by a silly indian movie reaches Raavan's ears and he decides to take the ultimate step...

Lakshman: So whats next..

Hanuman: Yeah well.. Raavan's gotta have some weapon he hasnt used against us as yet...

Sugreeva: I think we're about to find out what that weapon is !!

HUGE GIANT: HOW DARE you puny runts disturb me !

Lakshman: Wow ! You sure need a diet.. ever tried Subway instead of McDonalds?

Huge Giant: I am KUMBHAKARNA ..!!

Sugreeva: Shucks ! its Raavan's brother ! Run for it !!

KumbhaKarna: Yes ! Be afraid.. be very afraid !.. I am the great demon warrior who sleeps for 6 months and eats for 6 months !

Lakshman: Wow Really?.. See this is why i hate being on the good side.. he's the villains brother and he's got a perfect life.. I'm the hero's brother and i get sent away on an exile for 14 years !

KumbhaKarna: AAARHGOAUOEUOHGLSLUE.....

Hanuman: I see you arent sleeping now....So why arent you eating ?

Kumbhakarna: Are you slow in the head or something ? I'm going to eat you!!

Sugreeva and Lakshman: SAY What?!

Hanuman: Guys ! we'd better think of something before we become Demon Chow !

Lakshman: You know what Kumbhy.... you should turn vegetarian..!! Last I heard..Pamela Anderson Lee was campaigning for PETA...

KumbhaKarna: Pamela anderson who?....

Lakshman: Hanuman!!!

Hanuman: Right on buddy ! (tosses pile of books to kumbhakarna)

Kumbhakarna: Whaddaya think you're doing !....I stopped reading when i was 3 !...you silly ants !!

Lakshman: You dont need to know to read to enjoy those books we tossed you.. just look at the pictures...

Kumbhakarna: Hmm.. lets see...P-L-A-Y-B-O.....

Sugreeva: Now's our chance... run for it !!

Now that KumbhaKarna has been 'defeated'... Ram engages Raavan in his own chambers....

Ram: Finally we meet...this blog has been going on for long enough...

Raavan: My sentiments exactly...

Ram: So lets make this simple for both of us.. You hand Sita over.. and i leave you alive..

Raavan: Am sorry.. was that another joke?... presenting my Personal GUARD !!

Raavan's best warriors storm into the throne room ready to fight Ram.... but remember Ram's partner?.. wondering who he is ?

Ram: Well.. nice posse you got there ..... but they're all going to crumble at the might of my partner.

Raavan: Dont kid yourself.. who's this PARTNER you've got..

Ram: Presenting... The one.... The only.....

RajniKanth: Kanna ! Naa oru dharava Adicha Nooru Dharava Adicha Maari (I hit one time.. actually hitting hundred times !)

Raavan: Who is this Joker ?!

RajniKanth: Enne Paarthu Joker nu sonna mudhal joker nee thaan...(me see joker saying you first joker...)

Ram: Meet SuperSTAR RAJNIKANTH!

Raavan: WHAT?! this is the legendary RAjniKanth ?!

RajniKanth: Paera Ketta Odane Summa Adhuru Dhilla ?! (Name hearing simply vibrating no??)

Ram: OK Rajni .. i'll leave you to it..

Rajni puts on a dazzling display of martial arts and special effects and makes short work of Raavan's personal guard.

Ram: So i guess its just you and me now..

Raavan: AAAARGH ! RAAAM ! I'm going to keeeel you..

Achmad the DEAD Terrorist: That line works only when I say it...

Well... so they fight and fight and fight.. and then Ram finally defeats Raavan.

Ram: You're a demon king with ten heads.. I'm an incarnation of God..It was a no contest from the start !

Sita is reunited with Ram. and they begin the journey back to ayodhya....All is well.. well.. nearly all..

Lakshman: So there's this movie about reptiles i saw a long time back....Blah blah blah

Sita (whispers to Ram): Wont your brother ever keep quiet.

Ram: Help me here Harry Potter..!!

Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter: Muffliato !

.............

Thanks for reading ! Comment away !

Ramayana - The Action Comedy (Part 2) - Of Ascetics and Monkey Gods

Note: Read previous post for Part 1 of the Ramayana Trilogy

Ok.. so we have a nice hero (Ram), a nice pretty heroine (Sita), a nice comedic foil to the hero (Lakshmana). Its finally time to toss in the few variables that will make this a full fledged action enterntainer. The Villain, The third hero and the conflict....


So Ram, Lakshman and Sita set out to the forests to serve the 14 year exile that was handed to them. Things pass on nicely.. I mean... you know...

Lakshman: Okay. so there was this one time.. I was practicing closed-eye arrow shooting on the outskirts of the kingdom and I strolled into this movie theatre..

Sita (whispering to ram): Wont your brother ever keep quiet..

Ram (smiles)..

Lakshman: So yeah.. there's this aaawesome movie thats playing..It was called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Sita: THAT MOVIE wasnt awesome !!!!!!

Lakshman: Aww come on .. it sooo was ! I mean, think about it.. cool hero, Megan Fox, giant robots, Megan Fox, Superb Action, Megan Fox, amazing music, Megan Fox...

Bharata: Did someone say Megan Fox ?

Sita: Hey..What're you doing here?

Lakshman: Yeah.. you JERK .. i thought you sent us here cuz u wanted to be king..

Ram: Bharat..its good to see you. I know you're here to plead for forgiveness and ask me to come back and be king.. but i am obliged to carry out father's wishes.. even if it means 14 years in exile...and relinquishing the right to the throne..

Bharat: Ram.... you're wearing my shoes.. Can i have them back please?

Lakshman, Ram, Sita: DANG !

Well..soon the trio decide to set up camp in a nice clearning in the forest.. Days pass on peacefully until a golden deer passes by while Sita's hanging the clothes..Being the princess that she is..

Sita: Dear?

Ram: Yes Dear?

Sita: I want that Deer.

Ram: You want what, dear?

Sita: I want that golden deer..

Ram: You want that golden what, dear ?

Sita: I want that golden DEER !

Ram: Be more clear, my dear...

Sita: I am clear, my dear..I want that deer !!

Lakshman (Holds up large sign from behind Sita): Just go looking for something.. she aint gonna keep quiet otherwise..

Ram: All right, my dear...I shall go looking for it !

Time passes and Ram aimlessly wanders into the forest....Meanwhile back at base-camp..

Lakshman: Its been a while..I'm getting hungry and Mr.Incarnation Of God isnt back as yet..I'm going to go look for 'im...(draws line on ground).....Do not... whatever happens cross this line !

Sita: What if there's a postman.

Lakshman: We're in the middle of the forest..besides.. no one sends u mail anyways...

Sita: What if there's an earthquake and the roof of the hut caves in

Lakshman: We dont get earthquakes in this part of the country

Sita: What if I need to go water the plants...

Lakshman: You watered them this morning..

Sita: Well.. you eat three times a day.. maybe i should start watering them three times a day..

Lakshman: Well.. I shower once a week... maybe you should water them once a week as well !

Sita: Huh ?

Lakshman: Hang on to that thought.... and u can talk to this "suspicious looking ascetic who wandered into this clearing and is eyeing you continuously" until i'm back.... and mr.ascetic.. if u're planning on kidnapping her.. make sure u gag her well.. she talks too much..(Lakshman speeds up into forest)

Ascetic (hold up hand in V sign): Heya!

Sita: Yeah whatever.. he's one to talk.. so you.. bearded old guy.. whats ur story..

Ascetic: U know.. i gotta great place nearby.. and they're starting the "How I met your mother" marathon in half an hour..

Sita: Wow.. lets go !!

Ascetic (talks to himself): Hey wait a minute ? this is getting to be too easy.. i think this is a trap !

Sita: Come on ! we dont wanna miss the opening..

Ascetic: B..b...but... didnt he ask you to not cross that line he drew on the ground ?

Sita: aww.. what a douchebag.. lets just go ok?!.. i'm bored sick in the middle of this forest ...I wanna go watch some cable television..

Ascetic (Still not convinced) : All right time for Plan B...TRANSFORM !... (Ascetic morphs into the ten headed Demon King Ravana..)

Sita: Wow.. nice CGI.. u working on the next Michael Bay movie or something ?

Raavan: That guy was right.. i should gag her !!

Ravana knocks sita out.. gags her and takes her away to his abode... LANKA ! Lakshman and Ram return to their base and discover a hand written note that says.

" Have kidnapped your wife.. If you want her back. you will have to fight me and defeat me..Yours truly..Raavan of Lanka"

Lakshman: What the hell is a Raavan of whatever...

Ram: Raavan is the present king of Lanka.. looks like he's kidnapped Sita...(rises to full splendid height).. and we have to fight to bring her back !!

Lakshman: aww.. come on.. i heard Paris Hilton is still single ... we can ask her to keep one of those swayamvar things for you.. maybe you could break one of her ex-boyfriends in two or something like that..

Eventually.. Ram and Lakshman decide to go towards Lanka..looking for Sita.

Lakshman: Are we there yet ?

Ram: No

Lakshman: Are we there yet?

Ram: NO !

Lakshman: Are we there YET?

Ram: NO !!!!!

Lakshman: Are we there yet?

Mysterious stranger with Ape Face: He asks that one more time... i'm gonna smash him into the ground..!

Lakshman (chuckles): Hey... Ram.. i thought we were going to Lanka.. not to the set of "Planet of the Apes".. who the heck is this freak anyway..

Mysterious Stranger with Ape Face: You shall pay for this insolence ! I am HANUMAN !...The Son of Vayu (the god of wind) !

Ram: Hanuman sir.. we're on our way to Lanka to rescue Sita... my wife... do you have a GPS we can borrow ?

Hanuman: Certainly noble sir.. but its gonna cost you !!

Lakshman: Name yer price hanu...

Hanuman: Well.. for a few million bananas.. i could be ur loyal friend forever.. and i come complete with my own set of superpowers, battle kit and gadgets !!!

Lakshman: Hey Ram... you got ur credit card on you?

Ram: Yeah.. do you take VISA?

Hanuman: sure.. hold on..yeah.. and i got an Iphone with a card reader application..

Lakshman: Wow. looks like they got an app for everything nowadays....maybe they even got an app that rescues kidnapped wives..

Eventually, Hanuman, Ram and Lakshman reach the Ape Kingdom and meet Sugreeva, the ape king who agrees to help them..It is decided that hanuman first go as a messenger to Raavan's court to try to reason with him..

(In part 3.. Read about Hanuman's confrontation with Raavan and Sita, Kumbhakarna's grand entry into the battle and the final battle between Raavan and Ram to decide the fate of all mankind )

Ramayana - The Action Comedy

No write up about indian culture is complete without mention of its epics. The Ramayana and the Mahabharata.. two epic poems which've become a part of indian pop culture like nothing else! I still remember leafing through the tattered Amar Chitra Katha Ramayana that i had back in middle school...elaborate artwork, nice lettering.. it was probably then that i developed an interest for comics and graphic art.

With Mani Ratnam making Ashokavanam (Raavan in Hindi)... there seems to be a lot of buzz about the ramayan and its associated characters. I, personally would love to see the ramayana as an action comedy..i mean.. think about it.. colorful characters. powerful villains..great scope for death defying stunts and action..

Here're my re-imagining of some scenes that would spice up an action-comedy version of the ramayana...

Note: I do not wish to hurt the religious sentiments of anyone through this post. It is intended purely as an exercise in humor

The serialized version of the Ramayana probably begins with Sage Vishwamitra asking Dhasharatha for his help... Dhasharatha offfers to send his army.. but Vishwamitra would take no one but Rama and Lakshmana....they obviously make short work of the demons that torment Vishwamitra's rites.Afterward, the Sage offers to take the two princes to a swayamvar..

Lakshmana: Hey Ram.. whats a swayamvar.

Ram: Beats me..

Vishwamitra: Its a ceremony where a princess chooses her husband...

Lakshmana: well.....SIR.. arent you a little old to be thinking about marriage..

Vishwamitra: Very funny lakshman.. i didnt have my marriage in mind when i was talking about this.. I had Ram's and yours...

Lakshmana: NOW you're talking !

Kinga Janaka of Mithila (sita's dad) declares that the one worthy enough to lift a sacred bow off the ground, string it and fire and arrow will be the one to marry his daughter..The bow which is actually a gift from the mighty Shiva proves to be more than what everyone can handle..Ram's turn finally arrives.

Ram (muttering to himself): Well it does seem a little heavy.. i'm gonna try lifting it with all my force.... there! its up in the air..just a little more.. maybe i can twist it a little.. the rope isnt going through that hole at all.. must be a trick bow..(bow creaks and SNAPS!)...

Ram (sheepish grin on face): Oops! You got insurance on this thing !?... if not i can ask my father to write you a cheque.

Miscellaneous Prince in Crowd: Aww come on ! I was waiting in line... what do we do now ?

Vishwamitra: Well .. I hear Rakhee Sawant's doing a program called Swayamvar..You can try your luck there

Lakshman: You know what?.. for a 2000 year old sage who's given up wordly pleasures.. u sure do know a lotta stuff..!

So yeah..the story proceeds with ram marrying sita and going back to Ayodhya to live with his parents. The twist comes when Mantara, the maid of one of Dhasharatha's queens poisons her mind.

Manthara: So .... I hear Ram's first in line to become king.

Kaikeyi (combing her hair and youtubeing): Yeah...

Manthara: YEAH? whaddaya mean "YEAH"?

Kaikeyi: What about it. He's young, strong, powerful, just, kind and all that...

Manthara: You're missing the point ..!!

Kaikeyi: Which is ..?

Manthara: Your son isnt being made king ...he has equal rights to the throne..

Kaikeyi: .. am sure he's going to be made 'secretary of state' or something...

Hillary Clinton: What the heck was that?

Bill Clinton: Aww c'mere hillary...(censored...)

Manthara: Awww.. fish.. help me out here TR..

TR: aaaaah Kaikeyiii, Un Kannula Maiyiii...
Anga paaru....un paiyanukku verum moru
Ramanukku kingdommmu...
Nee ippo kudi konjam rummu
Dhasharathan kitta nee poyi pammu
Bharathanukku nee kelu thronu...
Aa Dandanakka.. A danda Nakka !

Kaikeyi is hynotized by TR's charm and asks Dhasharatha to make bharath the king. and... like a July 4th special deal on amazon she also threw in a free 14 year exile for Ram, Lakshman and Sita..

Ram and the others tearfully depart from Ayodhya and Dhasharatha dies of grief...:-(

(to be continued...Will write second part featuring the antics of Hanuman, Ravana and Vibheeshana if favorable comments are received for this one...)

Shiney Oh Shiney !

When I first saw Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi, I did notice more than Chitragandha Singh...I did notice Shiney Ahuja. I mean, the man had everything going for him looks, talent,voice and so on and so forth... this talented actor has landed himself right in the middle of some trouble. By now its common knowledge that Mr. Shiney "Gangster" Ahuja is cooling his heels in the Arthur Road jail at Andheri for the alleged rape of his housemaid. Here's a set of one liners i came up with!

(Warning: Some of these may be what tamilians call a Mokkai .. or what people up north call a PJ.....Please refrain from four letter expletives in your comments..)

Shiney oh Shiney !

We all do have Hazaaron Khwahishein...But those dont include housemaids that land you in Andheri (literally...no more shiney.. cuz no light..no shine remember?)

Sure, it might have been consensual...but a wise man once said something about Femme Fatales.. If they'll do it with you..they'll do it TO you !

Mahesh Bhatt and Sudhir Mishra may have stumbled across a potential superstar.... but little did they know...All that 'Shine'ys is not gold !

Gangsters are cool on screen.. but off screen the long arm of the law will soon catch up with ur Sins !

Tinsel Town has its share of Playboys but looks like Shiney decided to play this one too hard too fast.. (I personally recommend Wii Sports)

The few lamhe that it lasted for may have been worth it.. but looks like there's gonna be a lot more lamhe for you in jail.. sigh... woh lamhe !

...but I mean.. give the guy a break. Look at what he's portrayed on screen... A gangster , a man with a schizophreic girlfriend , a church father who cant keep his Wiimote to himself, a man with a possessed wife, A ground engineer who's plane gets hijacked.. I mean.. come on !...keep giving him characters like this and watch him turn into Darth Vader himself !

In most rural communities when a case of sexual assault happens.. the man and the woman involved are promptly married off to each other.. Well.. if that happens to shiney and the housemaid..it'll be a case of "Rape Ne Bana Di Jodi"

Note: This author does not intend to disrespect any person(s) or organization through this post. In all fairness. the court trial will take its course and justice will be delivered.Our hearts go out to the victims of this injustice.

Read the Original Post at http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com