Harry Potter and The Indian Directors

Now that all the buzz about the new harry potter movie has subsided and the movie has been declared a major hit. Its time for the gods of the blogo-sphere to inspire their bloggers to start tearing up the franchise. I like the Harry Potter books and movies far too much to start a full fledged parody, but I did think of something that got me on the track to this post.

We Indians are always complaining of how our directors take seemingly wonderful and bankable concepts and turn them into something terrifying...Directors and producers are always accused of doctoring scripts to their liking and turning characters upside down..

On that note. here's how the harry potter movie would have been if directed by some of the best filmy talent that India has to offer....

:::The Subash Ghai Version:::

Harry is brought up by his rich foster parents in urban Mumbai. The Father and Mother are typical rich parents who dont have time for the kids.Harry's only friend in the house is McGonagall, an old Dadima who still wears a white saree at all times. His step-brother Dudley is a spoilt rich kid who has his way with the wine, the women and the money. He eventually gets into trouble when he has sex with a poor girl and makes her pregnant....Harry in the meantime has fallen in love with this poor girl.

Meanwhile..dadima dies and leaves Harry a big fortune. He takes the money, marries the girl and runs away to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he meets Dumbeldore and other insignificant friends of his who are around just for comic relief....

A couple of years later we go back to the house.. the Father is dying and Dudley has squandered away all his money. The mother is sitting with a photograph of the four of them together.....In Hogwarts, Harry suddenly realises that Dumbeldore is actually the dadima's husband who died but never died.. But thats a plot twist just to make sure the audience doesnt sleep in the middle.

Harry returns to his old house to save the day... There's a long chorus of lalala's and the family unites... the father is miraculously healed and dudley is miraculously made into a gentleman who wears a huge red tilak on his forehead.. all of them move to LA and live happily ever after. the movie ends with all of them smiling in front of a huge photo of the dadima :-)..Dumbeldore has shaved. just to show that he's happy now. The End.

Voldermort?... no....Ghai's movies dont have villains...

:::The Ram Gopal Varma Version:::

Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione and another random character are on a road trip when they come into a village to shop for trinkets and stuff...There's a item number in the village with Nisha Kothari. ...When they finish shopping Hermione collapses and complains of a severe headache... They take her to a village hospital which was actually a school of witchcraft and wizardry a few thousand years ago. A ghost of a female student who was raped and killed returns as Vaaldermaart the Ghost.

But meanwhile there's a don in the village and Ron joins the don as his right hand man. There're random flashbacks that show the don gaining his power. There's another item number here where we have Hermione dancing in front of all the ghosts.

Ginny dies....The other three go out into the forest and dont return for a couple of days. Harry decides to go looking for them. The forest is eerie and full of strange bird calls and animal sounds from animals you wouldnt find in india in a million years. Harry eventually discovers an ancient temple in the forest and finds the body of Ron. As he is examining Ron's body he is attacked by zombified versions of the dons and his henchmen. There's Urmila Matondkar in the movie but dont ask me what she's doing..all this happens and by this time the audience is feeling very hungry..so most people just leave the theatre and go home.. so yeah.. The END

:::The Sooraj Barjatya Version:::

The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is just one big family. They all do everything together. There're fifteen songs in the first half and all of them involve some random character's wedding. Voldermort is a builder who wants to build a supermarket in the same site as Hogwarts and he comes over to ask them to sell the house. Dumbeldore, the man of the house refuses and when he's being persuaded... Harry and Ron, the two brothers of the house intervene and ask the builder to leave.

The builder has a daughter called Hermione and Ron falls in love with her. When this happens, the family begins to distance themselves from Ron. Harry and Ginny get married and McGonagall, the old dadima of the family keeps crying that Ron isnt there. There're another 15 songs in this wedding.

In the midst of a random altercation, it is suddenly revealed that Harry is an adopted son... Harry is going to move out of the house with his things when a small girl walks out of Hogwarts and runs to him..There's thunderous background music and everyone cries. Harry is ushered back into the house and everyone cries again. There's another song here... No wait.. there's two more songs here....Ron suddenly comes back one day and asks for help. Harry is now the man of the family because Dumbeldore is ill. Harry welcomes Ron and Hermione back.. and then they all cry and laugh at the same time. The audience is dreading another set of songs...and they all run out of the theatre.. The End.

::: The Mani Ratnam Version :::

Well, This guy is pretty good. So no major differences to the original story...but there're a lot of his usual creative liberties.... The entire movie is so dimly lit that the audience realises the movie has begun only through the Rahman's background score.. Most of the dialogues in the movie are monosyllabic....just grunts and groans that are meant to convey emotions et al...

....and yeah.. its bilingual release. The movie is a big hit in Tamil...and an average grosser in Hindi. The movie is dubbed in telugu and malayalam.....does ok business there...There's at least one group of people Mani pisses off with the movie and then he holds a press conference to explain that his characters do not represent any persons living or dead.

He immediately begins working on his next movie.. and everyone begins to speculate what the story of that movie may be... The end ?

::: The Deepa Mehta Version :::

She changes the movie's main character from Harry Potter to Harini Potter..She doesnt do men...Note: The Author doesnt do Deepa Mehta either...

::: The Shankar Version :::

Harry Potter joins Hogwarts. Discovers that Hogwarts is being run by corrupt politicians who have black money and connections with un-gentlemanly people. A mystery killer known as "The Wizard" begins to take revenge on these people. Harry's best friend Ron provides comic relief. Ginny is a seemigly adakka odukkamaana (conservative) ponnu who wears bikinis and halter tops in the songs....There's an introduction song and a song where Harry and Ginny dance. The set probably cost more than the monthly budget of Tamil Nadu and all the backup dancers are dressed as broom-sticks..

Voldermort is this politician head honcho who fears that this mystery killer might eventually get to him. The seemingly superhuman "Wizard" is caught red handed and unmasked...it is revealed that he is Harry.

Then comes the highlight.. a long winded flashback that takes us back to Harry's childhood.. His parents, his uncles, his aunts and his pet hamster are all killed by a corrupt politician...So that day Harry vows to return and take revenge..

Harry escapes from prison with Ron's help and gets back to Hogwarts. Voldermort and Harry have one final obligatory battle and then the movie ends with the police conveniently forgetting that Harry was just accused of a crime...What about Ginny?.. yeah well.. what about her.. a couple more songs and a couple more revealing outfits.......The End..

Note: Some of this stuff was inspired by a chat conversation with Abinand

::: The version starring Vijay, irrespective of the Director :::

Vijay plays Harry who is actually Superman, Batman and the Flash all rolled into one. He flies without the broom, He casts hexes without the wand and Ginny falls head over heels for him when she sees him first. Dumbeldore is Harry's father and he gets killed by local goons and other assorted antisocial elements. The supreme villain is a local MLA called Voldermort..Vijay uses his superpowers to avenge his death. The End...

What?.. yeah.. the movie is over.. the end.. wait for another six months and another movie will release with another title but the same story...and probably the same songs by Devi Sri Prasad.

::: The Simbhu Version :::

Its announced that someone else directed the movie, but we all know simbhu actually directed it. Yuvan Shankar Raja does the music with a few songs sung by Simbhu himself. Ron is played by Santhanam who is irritating in most scenes...

Hogwarts has a lot of loose women and Simbhu seems to enjoy it. Many women end up dead and then there's a flash back...Simbhu's father Dumbeldore was betrayed by a sexy witch who dumped him and went to Voldemort... Ginny is the only nice woman and she gets dumped by Simbhu in the end.

Moral of the Story: All women will sleep with you and then dump you....

The movie is lame... but runs because of the songs and Ginny's costumes... The End.

(Hope you liked that one ! Comment Away !)