Ramayana - The Action Comedy (Part 3) - Battles and Big Brothers

This is the GRAND FINALE ! For Parts 1 and 2 read my previous posts. Read the original posts at http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com

So at the end of part 2.. it was decided that the superpowered monkey god Hanuman go to see whats up at Lanka and try to reason with the ten headed Demon King Raavan. Here's how it happened..

Sugreeva: Order in the court...

Lakshman: Yeah ORDER in the court !!

Sugreeva: We need to decide on several important things today !

Lakshman: Yeah ! Several important things today...

Sugreeva: But our first order of business..

Lakshman: Yeah ! First order of business..

Sugrevaa (is getting slightly annoyed): Ok .. i dont see why you're repeating after me..

Lakshman: Yeah.. I dont see....w..wait..what?

Sugreeva: Yeah..I dont see why're u repeating after me..Hanuman..why did u even bring these guys here?!

Hanuman: Boss.. they got the dough..and they willing to pay big bananas for a search and rescue job down south..

Sugreeva: Whats the take ?

Ram: My Wife...she's been kidnapped.. and We need your help in getting her back..

Sugreeva: Hmm...I see Raavan's at it again.. The last time he kidnapped someone's wife we went into war with him and there weren't many of us who returned in one piece..We need to send someone to reason with Raavan before we do something brash......Those who volunteer to go.....Do not raise your hand..

Lakshman, Sugreeva and a host of other people raise their hands to not volunteer.. Hanuman is unfortunately asleep !

Hanuman: snore.... snore....(wakes up) Wha..?....

Sugreeva: Hanuman..you're going to Lanka..

Hanuman: what?.. i thought we were ALL going to lanka..

Sugreeva: Nope.. this time its just you..you're going to go try talk some sense into Raavan's head..

Lakshman:.....and i heard he has 10 of them..

Hanuman:.. wives?

Lakshman: No.. heads..

Hanuman: ... well...I cant go alone !?!.

Sugreeva: Technically.. u have to.. Ram cant come along cuz he's the hero and the readers are waiting till the end to hear about his big confrontation with Raavan. LAkshman cant go because he's a douchebag..

Lakshman: What?!

Sugreeva (continues):.. and I cant come along cuz i'm the boss...so its going to be you alone.....but.... well...there is one person i can send along with you...provided you promise to bring her back in one piece..

Hanuman: Wow.. a damsel along for the journey..?!..

Sugreeva: Well.. she's not a damsel.. per say... but she's gonna have to do..

Hanuman: Anyways !! I'm on pins and needles here..who is it !!!

Sugreeva: Its Bruno.. the Monkey Princess..turned austrian reporter...

Hanuman: Sorry. there's room only for one person on my jet. c ya later. bye....

Hanuman somehow manages to sneak past Raavan's border patrol.. and reaches Sita in the infamous Ashok'van...Raavan's garden.

Hanuman: Hello there.. lady..!!

Sita: If you're another one of Raavan's demon courtiers... I'M NOT INTERESTED !!

Hanuman: Oh dont flatter yourself honey.. i'm hanuman.. u can call me MR.Hanuman..I'm a mesenger from Ram.

Sita: WHAT?.. Incarnation of GOD.. and all he can do is send a monkey ?!

Hanuman: Monkey God, is more like it...and well.. I"m a monkey god with the siddhis

Sita: What the heck are those?

Hanuman: You know.. the usual.. Super Strength, super speed, teleportation, infinite size, infinite lightness, telekinesis, telepathy, mind control and of course.. invulnerability...

Sita: Well...... do you have claws?

Hanuman: Sure thing.. i got long nails...

Sita: Not claws like that.. Claws like this...show him wolverine..

Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: (snikt!)..Yeah..!! Like this ....(Does claw dance)

Raavan: Whats this racket all about ?!

Hanuman: Look who finally decided to show up...

Raavan: Do you have any idea who i am ?!

Hanuman: Wait.. dont tell me..Ten heads.. and no brain...Twenty hands.. but not a hint of deodorant usage.. u must be Raavan...

Raavan: Seize him !!!

Hanuman is bought to raavan's court all tied up and is interrogated by the demon king himself.

Raavan: Who are you?!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.

Raavan: I know thaaat.. i saw ur id card .. but who's husband AAARE you..!!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.. the monkey god..and i'm single..

Raavan: wait what?.. U're not here cuz i kidnapped your wife?

Hanuman: Nope.. I'm here to ask you if you'd be interested in being my "its complicated" on Facebook..

Raavan: Was that some kinda joke?

Hanuman: actually...It was.. and i bet it took u all ten heads to figure that out!

Raavan is obviously enraged and orders his courtiers to tie hanuman up and set fire to his tail..Hanuman, the super cool superhero makes his tail infinitely long just to spite the already pissed off demon king..

Raavan: you're a Superpowered monkey god and all you can do is extend your tail ?

Hanuman: Well.. i'm saving all the other gadgetry for the final battle.

Raavan: What final battle ?

Hanuman: You know.. the one where ram arrives with his army and smashes through you to get Sita back ..

Raavan: oh.. well.. so its Ram's wife i kidnapped yesterday.. the suspense was killing me... ok.. go ahead men.. set fire to his tail..

Hanuman runs through Lanka and sets most of the city ablaze before flying back to Ram, Sugreeva and Lakshman.

Lakshman: So what happened ?

Hanuman: Well.. he set fire to my tail and i set fire to his city... I consider us even.. for now..

Ram: Hanuman.. you're back !.. Is sita all right ?!.. is she fine ?... Did you tell her we'd come for her soon ?

Hanuman: Yeah yeah.. she's doing fine.. appparently drove all the ladies in Raavan's harem nuts with her talk, so he had her shifted to the gardens....

Ram: You mean my poor Sita is all alone ?

Hanuman: Naah.. from the looks of it.. she's got Hugh Jackman as Wolverine for company..

Ram: What ?!... How're we supposed to rescue her from him?!

Bruno: You dont Vurry your pretty head about that raam dear..I vill take Care of Him...Bruno Style !

So plans for the big battle are drawn and they begin marching towards lanka...when they reach the borders of the Lankan city where Sita is being held captive..Sugreeva takes over..

Sugreeva: All right.. so here's what we do..Ram, you locate Raavan and engage him..Lakshman, you take care of Raavan's Son Indrajit....

Lakshman: What ? I thought you were letting me go to the Harem !?

Ram: You arent.. so shut up and pay attention..

Lakshman: Yeah?! Who died and made you boss ?!

Ram: Ok.. you asked for it...Hanuman.. get me a webcam and a laptop..put Urmila (Lakshman's Wife) on the line..

Lakshman: OK ! Sorry !..

Hanuman (chuckles): Well..Lakshman... there's Bruno available when you need him..last i heard they said that kinda thing was ok in India..

Lakshman: Sugreeva.. continue .... please..

Sugreeva: Ahem.. and i was saying.. Bruno takes care of Wolverine, me and Hanuman are going to engage the rest of Raavan's demon army....

Ram: What about Raavan's personal guard..I cant take care of all of them alone..

Sugreeva: Dont worry. I've got you a partner who'll help you with that one..

Ram: What?.. who?!

Sugreeva: He's someone who can handle a thousand demons at once.. fly through the air at the speed of sound..smash through walls of solid rock and rattle off smart sounding one liners !!...

Ram, Hanuman, Lakshman and Bruno: WOW !

The battle begins and each of them engages their respective quarry. Here's how that goes.. Note: The battle between Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and Bruno hasnt been reproduced here to keep up with the PG-13 rating of this blog.

Lakshman: So you must be Raavan's Son..

Indrajit: So you must be Ram's brother..

Lakshman: so what's you story?

Indrajit: Talk less.. fight more..TAKE THIS !

Indrajit impales Lakshman with his Barcchi arrow and leaves him wounded...Lakshman's cries for help are heard by Hanuman and the others.. A distraught Ram asks Hanuman to look for an antidote for the poison that is slowly taking lakshman's life..Hanuman returns soon.. but there's a slight problem..

Ram: What the heck is he carrying ?

Hanuman: Hey guys.. couldnt find the plant you were looking for.. got you the whole mountain instead... You can go looking for the plant yourself..I'm hungry ...

Lakshman is eventually cured and engages Indrajit and defeats him. Meanwhile, Hanuman and Sugreeva are having problems of their own..

Hanuman: Nice...real nice.. i didnt know Raavan's demon army was 720 milion strong !

Sugreeva: Well.. if you got any nice new powers that you've been saving.. you can use them now..

Hanuman: Sorry to disappoint.. but nope..nothing up my sleeve i haven't already tried...I think its time to use our ultimate secret weapon...

Sugreeva: We havent used that one since the great battle of Pani-Puri..

Hanuman: No other go..!!

Sugreeva: All right here goes..!!

(Weepy chorus la la la begins to play...) Karan Johar: Welcome...Today we're gathered here to see my latest movie...."Kabhie Rakshas Kabhie Ram"...starring 33 characters with the silliest story of all time...

The demons are caught up in an intricate, sentimental love story that spans 4 hours..by the end of it, they're all so brain dead that Hanuman, Sugreeva and Lakshman have managed to sneak into Raavan's chambers undetected..News of his demon army being subdued by a silly indian movie reaches Raavan's ears and he decides to take the ultimate step...

Lakshman: So whats next..

Hanuman: Yeah well.. Raavan's gotta have some weapon he hasnt used against us as yet...

Sugreeva: I think we're about to find out what that weapon is !!

HUGE GIANT: HOW DARE you puny runts disturb me !

Lakshman: Wow ! You sure need a diet.. ever tried Subway instead of McDonalds?

Huge Giant: I am KUMBHAKARNA ..!!

Sugreeva: Shucks ! its Raavan's brother ! Run for it !!

KumbhaKarna: Yes ! Be afraid.. be very afraid !.. I am the great demon warrior who sleeps for 6 months and eats for 6 months !

Lakshman: Wow Really?.. See this is why i hate being on the good side.. he's the villains brother and he's got a perfect life.. I'm the hero's brother and i get sent away on an exile for 14 years !

KumbhaKarna: AAARHGOAUOEUOHGLSLUE.....

Hanuman: I see you arent sleeping now....So why arent you eating ?

Kumbhakarna: Are you slow in the head or something ? I'm going to eat you!!

Sugreeva and Lakshman: SAY What?!

Hanuman: Guys ! we'd better think of something before we become Demon Chow !

Lakshman: You know what Kumbhy.... you should turn vegetarian..!! Last I heard..Pamela Anderson Lee was campaigning for PETA...

KumbhaKarna: Pamela anderson who?....

Lakshman: Hanuman!!!

Hanuman: Right on buddy ! (tosses pile of books to kumbhakarna)

Kumbhakarna: Whaddaya think you're doing !....I stopped reading when i was 3 !...you silly ants !!

Lakshman: You dont need to know to read to enjoy those books we tossed you.. just look at the pictures...

Kumbhakarna: Hmm.. lets see...P-L-A-Y-B-O.....

Sugreeva: Now's our chance... run for it !!

Now that KumbhaKarna has been 'defeated'... Ram engages Raavan in his own chambers....

Ram: Finally we meet...this blog has been going on for long enough...

Raavan: My sentiments exactly...

Ram: So lets make this simple for both of us.. You hand Sita over.. and i leave you alive..

Raavan: Am sorry.. was that another joke?... presenting my Personal GUARD !!

Raavan's best warriors storm into the throne room ready to fight Ram.... but remember Ram's partner?.. wondering who he is ?

Ram: Well.. nice posse you got there ..... but they're all going to crumble at the might of my partner.

Raavan: Dont kid yourself.. who's this PARTNER you've got..

Ram: Presenting... The one.... The only.....

RajniKanth: Kanna ! Naa oru dharava Adicha Nooru Dharava Adicha Maari (I hit one time.. actually hitting hundred times !)

Raavan: Who is this Joker ?!

RajniKanth: Enne Paarthu Joker nu sonna mudhal joker nee thaan...(me see joker saying you first joker...)

Ram: Meet SuperSTAR RAJNIKANTH!

Raavan: WHAT?! this is the legendary RAjniKanth ?!

RajniKanth: Paera Ketta Odane Summa Adhuru Dhilla ?! (Name hearing simply vibrating no??)

Ram: OK Rajni .. i'll leave you to it..

Rajni puts on a dazzling display of martial arts and special effects and makes short work of Raavan's personal guard.

Ram: So i guess its just you and me now..

Raavan: AAAARGH ! RAAAM ! I'm going to keeeel you..

Achmad the DEAD Terrorist: That line works only when I say it...

Well... so they fight and fight and fight.. and then Ram finally defeats Raavan.

Ram: You're a demon king with ten heads.. I'm an incarnation of God..It was a no contest from the start !

Sita is reunited with Ram. and they begin the journey back to ayodhya....All is well.. well.. nearly all..

Lakshman: So there's this movie about reptiles i saw a long time back....Blah blah blah

Sita (whispers to Ram): Wont your brother ever keep quiet.

Ram: Help me here Harry Potter..!!

Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter: Muffliato !

.............

Thanks for reading ! Comment away !