Docile Devil makes his debut

If you are a follower/regular reader of this blog, then you surely want to follow my new webcomic.

docile devil !

follow his exploits at

www.dociledevil.blogspot.com

The Genie and The Three Wishes

Remember all those "I'll grant you three wishes" stories we read as children? You know, the ones where a weary traveller, prince or merchant find a bottle, lamp or other sundry item and a genie/spirit pops out. How would the following people react to a situation like that ?

Scenario 1: Starring Grad Student (Male)

Grad Student (Male): Ok genie, first of all I want to be paid a gazillion dollars a year for watching football games / reading trash on the internet / driving around and getting sloshed. Second...I want a grad student (female) at home to clean the house, wash the dishes and cook the food.."

Genie: wont a nice little sexy french maid do?

Grad Student (Male): Nope..I need her to do my assignments as well.. so yeah.. I need a grad student (female) and nothing else

Genie: So whats your third wish?

Grad Student: ok.. now lets see, we covered money, entertainment, companionship...well.. i guess that'll be all

Scenario 2: Starring Grad Student (female)

Grad Student (female): Ok.. considering grad student(male) gave up his third wish... i get four wishes right?

Genie(already bored): Yeah.. whatever...lets just get this over with

Grad Student (female): First wish, all sports on tv should be banned and replaced with a 24 hour 'sex and the city' marathon. Second wish, I want an elevator inside my house that leads to the mall. Third wish.. I need an add on card to grad student(male)'s gazillion dollar account.

Genie: but couldn't you just wish for an unlimited supply of mall merchandise at home?

Grad student (female): But whats the fun in that ? The whole point of shopping is go out there and spend money that you shouldn't be spending anyway...

Genie: Strange... but what about the fourth wish?

Grad Student (female): All women on earth should be able to eat as much as they can and not put on any weight..

Genie: well, that can be arranged...but what about you doing all the housework for grad student(male)?...

Grad Student (female): Well.. I already hired a french maid for that....he only said he "wants" me to do his work... and He knows he doesnt always get what he wants.....now leave me alone... I need to go to the mall..

Scenario 3: Starring other assorted celebrities

Professor 1 and Professor 2 : We want our grad student's wishes to take effect only on Sundays provided they've worked enough during the week

Random film buff: I want Ashutosh Gowarikar to die twelve times after what he put us through in his recent movie

Akshay Kumar: I want all those that died after watching 'Blue' to come back to life

Himesh Reshammiya: I want to kill the guy that invented 'Caps'..

Barack Obama: I want all grad students who earn a gazillion dollars to pay a trillion dollars in tax

Mayawati: I want a statue of myself in every house and I want everyone to wear Pink 24 hours a day..

Manoj Night Shyamalan: I want everyone to stop whispering, "I see boring movies" at me on the road.

Random game show contestant: OWWW CAN ZEE SLAPP?!

Abinand: I want Raghav to experience excruciating pain every time he takes a dig at one of my movies.

Raghav: I want everyone except Abinand to read this blog.

Sachin Tendulkar: Sorry.. not interested.

Vijay: I want people to watch Vettaikaran for me and not Anushka...and I want everyone who bitches about me in blogs to spontaneously combust.

French Premier Sarkozi: I want everyone to stop talking about my wife and start talking about me

----

Rakhee Sawant: I want everyone in India to participate in season 2 of Rakhee Sawant's Swayamvar...

Genie: wait a minute... weren't you married at the end of the first season?

Rakhee Sawant: My second wish.. I want everyone in India to watch Season 1 of Rakhee Sawant's 'Talak' (Talak)..it premiers this monday.

----

Well what would you wish for?

(Thanks for reading, Comment Away!!)

Things I'd like to put on my Resume

Well, we've all been there. We've put in everything we can in our resumes to make sure companies take notice and hire us / invite us over for an interview....but there's one thing i'd definitely like to do.... put a set of goofy qualifications on my resume and watch as good company representatives stare back at me when i visit their career fair booths, all suited and booted. Here's a couple of them...no particular order.. though u can tell me which one u liked the most...!! :)

11. Can work well under pressure - Can sit without tapping nervously on steering wheel when pulled over by Cop

10. Can effectively multitask - Can have YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and several other tabs open and not miss a beat

9. Can handle large volumes of information - Can watch 63 episodes of Family Guy in one evening.

8. Has a penchant for time management - Wrote blog, ate bag of chips and watched 10 more episodes while preparing for this career fair....

7. Has strong interpersonal skills - Have 433 friends on Facebook, 1600 friends on Orkut and another 200 follwers on twitter. Many of them 'like' what i put up.

6. Has work experience - Was once offered $2 to buy neighbour-lady pickles from Meijer

5. Is a team player - Always has bunch of cronies to go to bars with

4. Has effective conflict resolution skills - Smashed martini glass onto barkeep's head to keep him from telling boucer that I scratched expletive on counter

3. Has good grades - what was the name of that website where you get free notes again?

2. Has effective communication skills - 'Expletive'

1. Needs job and will perform well in position offered - $20 taped to back of resume.

(Thanks for reading. Comment away!!)

Assorted Laughs from Blogs that never made it

For every single post that I write on this blog..there's about six that i reject .....well..i know that sounds really cool-n-all (yes I do accept fan mail at my id..hate-mail too...just in case)...:|

I decided to make this mid month post as a collection of things that could've been awesome blog posts but never made it past the first few paragraphs.

The Origin of the Orange[Chicken]: I once started a post that talked about different versions of the fictitious (...hopefully) origin story for my favorite dish. Here's my favorite from those ideas...

"The Rajnikanth" is on a mission to the sun. He is so pissed that the weather in Chennai is so hot that he wraps the sun up in his jacket and throws it high up in the air...err..wait.. the sun is already in the air.. but thats ok.. Rajnikanth is a being of cosmic proportions..and the sun for him is just waist high...

...back to our story. Rajni throw is so powerful, the wrapped sun falls into an alternate dimension populated entirely by chickens....this causes annihilation of that entire dimension...

Regretting his inadvertant mistake Rajni restores that dimension with his mystical powers (he's rajni... he can do anything) and to pacify the chicken dimension and preventing them from invading ours. he creates a dish called ORANGE CHICKEN as a tribute to the chickens that lost their lives because of being hit by rajni's sun control jacket...and to this day he made sure that grad students worship that dish !

Things to do on a bus while waiting for a train: Well...those of us who still don't have cars still do a lot of this..especially if you travel to college from spartan village. Some of the on that list included

-- Screaming.."THATS MY BABY!" and pointing to the train track.

-- Switching on sound recording on the cell phone and having a loud monologue...try starting with.."Grad Student War Journal... Entry number 2203, June 16th..Surrounded in bus by foul smelling homo sapiens... supressing urge to puke..."

-- Making farting sound with lips and looking accusingly at sleepy grad student next to you...sniffing the air loudly.

-- Locking eyes with a member of the same sex while talking into the phone...watch them cringe..

-- Count number of coaches loudly with goofy numbers (hint: pi, e, infinity, C, X, Thetha)

-- Sleep

Halloween Costumes I'd like to see: I started this one but couldnt really go too far... any ideas on... what would you guys'd like to see ?

Grad Student -- 2 dollar blooper sweatshirt thats two sizes bigger thrown over cheap walmart pants. complete with laptop bag that looks like it hasnt been cleaned in ages...with accessories like the 5 dollar footlong, library book and headphones with ipod. can include mask of stubbled unkempt face.

80's Indian Government Employee -- Bajaj style 'open in front' helmet with black, shell framed glasses. Brown striped shirt non-tucked in, thick black moustache. Black trousers over bata hawai slippers with blue clasps. Clutches copy of the Indian Express or that brown economic times with a black oversized umbrella in the other hand.

(Thanks for reading. Comment away!)

The Taxonomy of The Status Message

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but that's mainly because I've been doing a lot of other writing (short stories, movie scripts, sci fi novels..... and i already see you groaning and saying.."yeah right")...

A careful analysis of all the posts on my Face-book and Gtalk feed show me that there are really only four types of status messages.

Type 1: The Cribber: Mostly originating from all types of people who have to work at some point of time during their day. Sometimes from people who dont have any work at all too.
but most of the time originating from people who have to do something awesomely difficult.. like get up and switch on the fan.. or eat a bar of chocolate (Catch my drift?)...

Examples: Have soooo many deadlines.... Oh my god my pet rock is on a tree and i'm sitting down calling to it but its so much work that my throat aches. Oh shit oh damn it to hell i need to write an assignment and i'm not in a mood because i'm so damn lazy but its not good to be lazy and i need to work....etc etc.. blah blah.. blooh blooh.. yeah whatever..... crib crib..

Type 2: The Show Off: This is a classic and has existed ever since the early days of social networking.... and ever since Aol gave you that annoying custom status message option... Messages of this type range from the well intended, "I had such a great time in [add place here]" to the impossible... "I just did thirteen hours on the treadmill"....

A popular benign subtype of type 2...is the quotation...Most people have this irresistable urge to transform a common quote they heard into their status message. most have the good nature to credit the source...

Type 3: The Beyonder: Have you ever read one of those status messages that doesnt seem to make any sense at all ? Something about dreams and chaos and several other esoteric concepts written in a way that they're understandable only to those that write them?... Well.. there it is.. you have something thats beyond you... we choose to call this, the Beyonder..

Example: Springy Dreams bylane the corner of the window when abracadabra we chant.

(P.S. Dont even try explaining to me what this means...)

Type 4: The Social Butterfly: Well.. there's those messages where people want to thank, congratulate or placate other users. Something about "Oh this person draws like a cuckoo that just had enough caffeine to kill a bull elephant.." or something like that. These are mostly well intended... and give both the person and the recipient enough snob value to last a week.. Some trivia here.. i initially wanted to call this type something else (P.S. this blog still is PG-13).. but decided to stick with the current name...

Cross Breeds: Type 1 messages and Type 2 messages tend to dominate most wall posts.. though, as mentioned before, the line between the four types blurs considerably. For example, sometimes a type 1 message is used to create the effect of a type 2. For example.. consider the following message.

"OH I'm on the lab on a sunday morning when everyone else is either watching rosie o donnel or sleeping".. this message is essentially a type 1 intended to create the effect of a type 2. Cribbing as a means of showing off..!!

Most type 3 messages are also intended to have the effect of type 2....Oh my god look at me.. I can write this but u cant understand..!

Think about it.. take any message... any message at all on facebook, aol, gtalk, orkut.. heck anything at all.. and it shall be a combination of these four types...


(Thanks for reading. Comment Away !!)

Ten Goofy Things to spice up Monday Morning

Well.. Its monday again and here're a couple of things I dreamed of doing today as I came into DECS. Go ahead and try these (hope you have enough personal insurance though...)'

Disclaimer: T author of this post does not take responsibility for any loss of property / injuries resulting as a result of trying these out.

10. http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com

9. Stand with a writing pad in the corridor, look intently at someone, smile to yourself, shake your head and scribble away...Look at the expression on their face from the corner of your eye

8. Call a close friend and tell them in a very serious voice...."Hey.. Do you remember that time I loaned you a thousand dollars?... I was wondering if you ever returned it?.. " Keep the farce up until the end of the day... put up a facebook status message that says.."someone owes me a thousand dollars"

7. When on the bus...declare loudly into the mobile phone..."Yes.. the reports came in yesterday... It is what we feared..." and watch people melt away from you...

6. Call last weekend's date and tell her you're sorry....when she asks why....ask if she's into Aliens...

5. Go to the library and empty an entire shelf of books onto a table. Then proceed to build a fort with it...Take one book and keep it open just in case anyone should ask you what you're doing.

4. Take a Hand lens to the diary store and examine the glass for ten minutes.....

3. Draw a quirky looking face on the whiteboard... when people stop to stare at it, look up from your book /computer and tell them very curtly..."nope.. its not you....although I do admit there's a slight resemblance..."...

2. Stop someone in the hallway and tell them you're looking for the Ministry of Magic / Justice league headquarters / Voltori's Temple / Space Port...

1. Send a mail to everyone in your research group telling them there's free pizza in Room XYZ where XYZ is a rest room...Watch as everyone comes back frustrated.. I suggest you do this only when you're not in the lab yourself.


(Thanks for reading..comment away)

Top 10 Signs you're a newbie graduate student in the US

10. Your shoes still look new. FootNote: Your Spartan Village Carpet still looks clean.

9. Your laptop still has a shit ton of free space

8. You think Taco Bell serves the best food in the world and You still haven't figured out how to order in Subway

7. You visit the website www.msufcu.org as often as you visit Facebook.

6. You are very upset that the loaf of bread you bought costs 400 Rupees.

5. You just bought twenty packets of Ramen noodles from Meijer because they're only 20 cents a pack....&& You visit 'Dollar Tree' once in two days.

4. You attend every crappy resource fair that happens on campus and get all the freebies...including the clips, the post it notes and the small frisbees that go straight to the dust bin after one year.

3. You actually sweep your house once in two days and do your laundry every week.

2. Your backpack has the CATA schedules of all the buses, including the ones that service areas you wont visit in the next five years.

1. You think Research is 'fun'.


(Thanks for reading. Comment Away!)

Top 15 signs You're having a boring weekend

13. You're having a conversation with Raghav about Superhero comics.

12. You're a 22 year old male on a Jonas Brothers forum.

11. You're you-tubing videos from Karan Johar movies.

10. You go to the Spartan Village Community Center to check if there's any mail in your mailbox three times.. and then you realise its a sunday.

9. You change your wallpaper thirty times.

8. You eat 7 meals in one day because you have nothing else to do. And u do the dishes everytime.

7. You're with Abinand working on the script for his next movie. (wait .. what?)

6. You're writing a blog about the 'top 15 signs of a boring weekend'.

5. You're reading this blog.

4. You recount the number of signs and mail the blogger saying there's only 12 when there's supposed to be 15.

3. You've asked the question "what else is up" fifty times to the same person during one im conversation.. and he/she signs out..

2. You purposely leave out ten items from your groceries and make ten more trips to Meijer... and they lady at meijer gives you a free notepad on which to make your shopping list.

1. You've spent an hour refreshing your facebook page to see if anyone "likes" your status message

(Thanks for reading. Comment Away!)

Unnaipol Oruvan ? Idhaipol oru Padam - Remakes in Tamil Cinema

A rather Wikipedia-estic blog post.

With Dr. Kamal Hassan's Unnaipol oruvan (remake of A Wednesday) and Bharath's Kandein Kadhalai (remake of Jab we Met) hitting the screens anytime now, and with Ninaithaale Inikkum (remake of the malayalam mega hit, Classmates) already creating waves in multiplex circles. I began doing some googling on the prescence of remakes in the tamil movie circuit.

I initially wanted to make a conventional 'top-ten' list of remakes but then realised that everytime i made a list, i looked back at some of the movies and they didnt deserve to be there... and sometimes movies that had been eliminated fought even harder for a chance on the final ten. So what began as a top ten list boiled into a list of movies categorized by actor. A rather Wikipedia-estic blog post.

Just to make sure we're on the same page...I'm talking remakes from other indian languages...not those so called "inspirational tributes" from hollywood and other places overseas. So here we go...

Superstar Rajnikanth: Most trade pundits acknowledge that it was after Billa, the remake of Amitabh Bachan's Don, that Rajni began to monopolize the tamil box office. Billa was followed by Thee, a remake of another Amitach Bachan starrer, Deewar.

During the time when rajni dominated markets in india and overseas, he acted in Muthu which is not acknowledged as a remake, but is heavily inspired by the Malayalam film, Ponmaavin Thombathu.

And of course, after the debacle of Rajni's home production Baba, two out of Rajni's three films have been remakes, Chandramukhi (Manichitra Thaazhu, Malayalam) and Kuselan (Katha Parayumbol, Malayalam)

Dr. Kamal Hassan: The Universal Hero too had his share of remakes from other indian languages in his early years, the most noteworthy of them being Unakkul Oruvan, the remake of Subash Ghai's Karz. Well, technically speaking, Karz itself was heavily 'inspired' by the american film, 'The Reincarnation of Peter Proud'

After a few decades, he returned to the remake scene by starring in the 2003 remake of MunnaBhai MBBS, Vasool Raja MBBS. Following that, he will be acting in the much awaited Unnaipol Oruvan.

Ajith Kumar: Our 'thala' has dabbled with remakes too. Apart from the soulful Kireedom (Kreedam, Malayalam) which failed to rake in the moolah, Ajith made a comeback with the oft-remade Billa where he sashayed with Nayan (ooh. who can forget the much youtube'd Bikini scene at the pool) and Namitha. Also note, that despite being called an orginal screenplay, his 2008 Aegan is heavily inspired by King Kahn's Main Hoon Na.

Vijay: The Illaya thalapathy has by far starred in the largest amount of remakes in this list. But i'm guessing he'll soon be overtaken by another person who's made his entire career of starring in remakes (we'll talk about him soon). Starting with Fazil's Kadhalukku Mariyaadhai (Aniyathi Pravu, Malayalam) and Siddique's Friends (Friends, Malayalam), he also starred in the highly successful commercial blockbuster, Ghilli (Okkadu, Telugu).

His most recent hit, Pokkiri was also a remake of the Telugu film by the same name.

Surya Sivakumar: Surya's Perazhagan (Kunji Koonan, Malayalam) is seen by many as one of the most important films his career along with Gautham's Kaakha Kaakha. Since then there haven't been any movies of his that have been remakes as far as i can think of.

'Chiyaan' Vikram: Vikram, the reigning numero uno of tamil cinema has had two remakes in his career so far. In 2003, the critically acclaimed Kasi (Vasanthiyum Lakshmiyum Pinne Naanum, Malayalam) further cemented Vikram's supermacy as the most bankable star of Tamil Cinema. Vikram also followed his blockbuster film Anniyan with a lighthearted comedy, Maja (Thommanum Makkalum, Malayalam).

'Jayam' Ravi: I did mention that there is one guy who has made his entire career out of starring in remakes directed by his brother 'Jayam' Raja. Here's the list.

Santhosh Subramaniam (Bommarillu, Telugu)
M Kumaran Son of Mahalakshmi (Amma Nanna O Tamil Ammayi, Telugu)
Jayam (Jayam, Telugu)
Mazhai (Varsham, Telugu)
Something Something Unakkum Enakkum (Nuvvostenante Naanowhatever, Telugu)

.......and his next movie is also a remake, Thillalangadi which is a remake of the Ravi Teja hit, Kick.

Madhavan: The almost-buck-toothed chocolate boy of indian cinema has two remakes to his credit. The critically acclaimed Evano Oruvan (Dhombivilli Fast, Marathi) and forgettable Guru En Aalu (Yes Boss, Hindi)

Simbhu and Dhanush (chuckle..): Simbhu's much needed hit in his early days came in the form of Dhum, the remake of the kannada film, Appu. After that he worked with veteran director K.S.Ravikumar in the remake of the telugu film Bhadra, which was released in Tamil as Saravana.

Dhanush's much needed hit came in the form of Yaaradi Nee Mohini, the remake of his brother Selvaraghavan's Telugu hit, Adavaari Maatalu Blah Blah.

Others:

Sarath Kumar's rib tickling Tenkaasi Pattanam, a remake of the mayalam film of the same name.

Prashant's 'Shock', a remake of the RGV movie Bhoot.

The Critically acclaimed Kasthuriman, starring Prasanna and Meera Jasmine was a remake of the malayalam film of the same name.

(Thanks for reading. Comment away!)

The Quick-N-Dirty India Trip update !

Welcome back to the land of the blog. This is your friendly neighborhood blogger and I'm back in East Lansing, Michigan. A few days ago i was saying something about "enthusiastic PhD students" and someone overheard that and said, "enthusiastic" and "PhD" usually dont go together..

So i guess i'll make use of the last vestiges of leftover "cheer" from my India trip and tell you a little bit about what I did in my 20 days at home in Chennai.

Ate: Well, you know what they say.."Eat Healthy, Think Better" ...I revisited all my old favorites, New Andhra Meals, Saravana Bavan, Ascendas etc etc... One new place that i went to was "The Park Hotel" ...where me and laddu had a lunch buffet that totally blew me away

Slept: Yes... OId Room. Old Pillows. Old Dreams of Shriya Saran and Cute Mega Serial heroines who cry all the time..

Met friends: Of course. Met all my old friends. Most of them I couldnt meet much because my trip was only 20 days long. Rest assured, next time i'll be there to bug you a lot more.

Spent time with John Sebastian: He's my dentist. He took one look inside my mouth and had a heart attack. Fortunately he used a dental drill as a makeshift pacemaker.. and proceeded to ROOT CANAL the crap out of my teeth (which was not a big deal btw...ending my decade long speculation as to how a root canal procedure feels)... well.. my teeth now have enough metal filling to set off the metal detectors in the airport.

LandMark Quiz: I seem to be flying down everytime this takes place. Awesome questions yet again.. VV Ramanan and Co winning it yet again.. Dr. Naveen Jaikumar conducting it yet again.. I shall be there for it next year yet again...

Watched Kandhasamy with Families: If this movie had been made before Sivaji and Anniyan, It would 've made more money.... but i hear its already made 60 crore..so...well...

Despite the mixed reviews that this movie got, I think it was fun. The whole superhero messiah angle was nice and I think technically, the movie was brilliant. And YAAAAA.......SHRIYAAAAAAAA !!!...


Got Engaged: Yay! I have a ring on my finger and a chain (both literally and figuritively) around my neck.

I still remember the first time Lois meets Superman in Richard Donner's 1978 movie, He flies up and catches her in mid air.. This is the exchange of words...

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you.
Lois Lane: You - you've got me? Who's got you?

So yeah.. I'm now officially engaged to the person I love the most in the world...or universe if you believe the existence of other worlds... or multiverse if you believe in the existence of other universes... or dimensions, if you believe in other dimensional planes... but well.. you get the general idea.

P.S. Wedding on June 6th 2010; be there !!!

So yeah.. that was pretty much a run through of what i did.... Will follow up with more posts as the semester heats up!

(Thanks for reading. Comment Away!)

Mid-Air Mis-Adventures

Well... its probably common knowledge by now that i'm leaving for India in a couple of days. Needless to say, there's a lot of stuff happening here at EL... but they mostly involve three things.

1. Cleaning my room : Removing assorted things from my room like dead supervillains, discarded cartoon crap and batman masks.. not to mention the dust thats turned into a thick sheet of lead.

2. Packing: Ok.. now lets see... There's 15 pairs of socks that i simply must carry... add to it a small collection of Shriya Saran scrapbooks. Packing is difficult business.. even for the packaging engineer.

3. Reminding myself that I need a plane to fly out of EL: Yes... I've designated five people to remind me on thursday that I shouldn't go to DECS...I should actually go to the airport.....which one ? i'm not too sure.... yet...

This post was supposed to be about my plane journeys and my mid-air mis-adventures. Here's a couple of them.


Too Many Moos - Pretty European air hostess is serving us drinks... And me being the caffeinator, I ask her for coffee.... And me also being the brahmin kid who grew up in Chennai had never seen black coffee before.... I ask her for Milk and she gives me one of those mini moos (tiny tubs of milk that are taken with black coffee).

.....My ten thousand watt brain begins to calculate the number of mini moos i'd need to have indian-style coffee... I take a deep breath and ask for 7 more......Needless to say... the air hostess was annoyed... and the passengers next to me were amused. :-)

Raghav's law of in-flight kiddos ---- Irrespective of the number of people in a flight (most passenger planes average in the early 200's) and irrespective of where i'm sitting..The NOISIEST KID in the flight gets a seat next to me.


Raghav's laws of in-flight seating assignments ---- If I get an AISLE seat the person at the window is someone who needs to use the loo once every twenty minutes and if I get a window seat, the flight is at night and/or over the ocean.


KollyWood vs HollyWood - Well.. there was this one time when an american man in his mid thirties was sitting next to me during a long distance flight. Small talk led to big talk and eventually careened towards a discussion on indian films. I spoke at length.. extolling the virtues of indian film makers... i told him about songs and dances and all the other things that make indian movies worth watching.... as luck would have it... the in flight movies were in Tamil....and they were ....

Madhavan in and as...THAMBI !... an epic tale of a man's struggle against anti social elements...

which was followed by Vijay in KURUVI.. an epic tale of a man's struggle against anti social elements..

which was followed by Ajith in Aegan....an epic tale of a man's struggle against anti social elements...

My american friend asked me if this was some kind of special feature where the same story is told in three different ways....for once..i didnt have anything to say.

Sleeping Beauty ----- We've all been there.. before every flight we wish secretly that the person next to us would be from the cover of the Cosmopolitan that we glanced at, a while back at the news stand....It so happened that during the boarding call for one domestic flight, I spotted one such stunner..She was a total package - high heels, tank top, leather jeans, streaked blonde hair (THE WORKS!).. and i made one of those silly odd ball promises i make to myself when i want something to happen.. "If she sits next to me in the plane.. no Panda Express for a month !..."

Wonder of wonder of wonders ! I sit in 15 A and "ms.oh my god i wish u sat next to me" was in 15 B...............but she came......... she sat..... and she SNORED ! and believe me.. she would've given my dad a run for his money in the snoring department...:|

The Grinch who stole my In-flight happiness ---- this was one time i was on an air india flight with a really really badly behaved kid next to me... The air hostess was pushing late forties, early fifties and she reminded me of a teacher i used to be terrified of when i was in third grade... I put on my best Bambi eyed smile and told her that my in-seat monitor wasnt working and that i was getting very bored... she says in the best "third grade terrifying teacher" voice ever... "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT ??"...I sat on that seat like a kitten that was stuck on a tree for the rest of the flight..

(Well thats it for now.. will tell you about who sat next to me soon !.. comment away!)

Top ten things that would sound great when apocalypse is a day away !

Here's a small mid week post to put a smile (hopefully) on ur face...

For those of you who dont know: Apocalypse means "The End of the World"

.... yes it means the end of Katherine Heigl too.. now shut up and read on.

Two things led to this post. An overdose of David Letterman and his funny top ten series every day... and a movie called "Knowing" starring Nicholas Cage..

For the record.. the movie was downright spooky...all about the end of the world.. This got me totally cranky and i was on the phone for a long time with you-know-who... getting consoled that the world would end only in a few billion years when the sun finally swells up cuz of eating too much hydrogen....

It was later, that the humor of the whole thing hit me. So here're the top ten things that would sound cool when said on the day prior to the apocalypse.

10. There was a leaked version on You Tube a few days back


9. And i thought Kolangal was going to reach 35000 episodes


8. Look ! Macy's is having an "End of the World" sale....


7. No.. I dont think Reparo works on a broken earth.


6. Crud.. all 532 friends have status updates on FaceBook that say "goodbye cruel world !"


5. Is Panda Express / Saravana Bhavan open today ?


4. Shit ! I knew sending Michael Jackson up there was a bad idea...!


3. At least we wont have to sit through Vijay's next movie....


2. USPS...How may we assist you? Yeah Hello....I'm calling from East Lansing and I need to send something by express mail.. Will it reach India by next week ?


1. So you wanna go get some dinner?.. seeing as tomorrow's the end of the world and all



(Thanks for reading ! Comment away !)

Harry Potter and The Indian Directors

Now that all the buzz about the new harry potter movie has subsided and the movie has been declared a major hit. Its time for the gods of the blogo-sphere to inspire their bloggers to start tearing up the franchise. I like the Harry Potter books and movies far too much to start a full fledged parody, but I did think of something that got me on the track to this post.

We Indians are always complaining of how our directors take seemingly wonderful and bankable concepts and turn them into something terrifying...Directors and producers are always accused of doctoring scripts to their liking and turning characters upside down..

On that note. here's how the harry potter movie would have been if directed by some of the best filmy talent that India has to offer....

:::The Subash Ghai Version:::

Harry is brought up by his rich foster parents in urban Mumbai. The Father and Mother are typical rich parents who dont have time for the kids.Harry's only friend in the house is McGonagall, an old Dadima who still wears a white saree at all times. His step-brother Dudley is a spoilt rich kid who has his way with the wine, the women and the money. He eventually gets into trouble when he has sex with a poor girl and makes her pregnant....Harry in the meantime has fallen in love with this poor girl.

Meanwhile..dadima dies and leaves Harry a big fortune. He takes the money, marries the girl and runs away to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he meets Dumbeldore and other insignificant friends of his who are around just for comic relief....

A couple of years later we go back to the house.. the Father is dying and Dudley has squandered away all his money. The mother is sitting with a photograph of the four of them together.....In Hogwarts, Harry suddenly realises that Dumbeldore is actually the dadima's husband who died but never died.. But thats a plot twist just to make sure the audience doesnt sleep in the middle.

Harry returns to his old house to save the day... There's a long chorus of lalala's and the family unites... the father is miraculously healed and dudley is miraculously made into a gentleman who wears a huge red tilak on his forehead.. all of them move to LA and live happily ever after. the movie ends with all of them smiling in front of a huge photo of the dadima :-)..Dumbeldore has shaved. just to show that he's happy now. The End.

Voldermort?... no....Ghai's movies dont have villains...

:::The Ram Gopal Varma Version:::

Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione and another random character are on a road trip when they come into a village to shop for trinkets and stuff...There's a item number in the village with Nisha Kothari. ...When they finish shopping Hermione collapses and complains of a severe headache... They take her to a village hospital which was actually a school of witchcraft and wizardry a few thousand years ago. A ghost of a female student who was raped and killed returns as Vaaldermaart the Ghost.

But meanwhile there's a don in the village and Ron joins the don as his right hand man. There're random flashbacks that show the don gaining his power. There's another item number here where we have Hermione dancing in front of all the ghosts.

Ginny dies....The other three go out into the forest and dont return for a couple of days. Harry decides to go looking for them. The forest is eerie and full of strange bird calls and animal sounds from animals you wouldnt find in india in a million years. Harry eventually discovers an ancient temple in the forest and finds the body of Ron. As he is examining Ron's body he is attacked by zombified versions of the dons and his henchmen. There's Urmila Matondkar in the movie but dont ask me what she's doing..all this happens and by this time the audience is feeling very hungry..so most people just leave the theatre and go home.. so yeah.. The END

:::The Sooraj Barjatya Version:::

The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is just one big family. They all do everything together. There're fifteen songs in the first half and all of them involve some random character's wedding. Voldermort is a builder who wants to build a supermarket in the same site as Hogwarts and he comes over to ask them to sell the house. Dumbeldore, the man of the house refuses and when he's being persuaded... Harry and Ron, the two brothers of the house intervene and ask the builder to leave.

The builder has a daughter called Hermione and Ron falls in love with her. When this happens, the family begins to distance themselves from Ron. Harry and Ginny get married and McGonagall, the old dadima of the family keeps crying that Ron isnt there. There're another 15 songs in this wedding.

In the midst of a random altercation, it is suddenly revealed that Harry is an adopted son... Harry is going to move out of the house with his things when a small girl walks out of Hogwarts and runs to him..There's thunderous background music and everyone cries. Harry is ushered back into the house and everyone cries again. There's another song here... No wait.. there's two more songs here....Ron suddenly comes back one day and asks for help. Harry is now the man of the family because Dumbeldore is ill. Harry welcomes Ron and Hermione back.. and then they all cry and laugh at the same time. The audience is dreading another set of songs...and they all run out of the theatre.. The End.

::: The Mani Ratnam Version :::

Well, This guy is pretty good. So no major differences to the original story...but there're a lot of his usual creative liberties.... The entire movie is so dimly lit that the audience realises the movie has begun only through the Rahman's background score.. Most of the dialogues in the movie are monosyllabic....just grunts and groans that are meant to convey emotions et al...

....and yeah.. its bilingual release. The movie is a big hit in Tamil...and an average grosser in Hindi. The movie is dubbed in telugu and malayalam.....does ok business there...There's at least one group of people Mani pisses off with the movie and then he holds a press conference to explain that his characters do not represent any persons living or dead.

He immediately begins working on his next movie.. and everyone begins to speculate what the story of that movie may be... The end ?

::: The Deepa Mehta Version :::

She changes the movie's main character from Harry Potter to Harini Potter..She doesnt do men...Note: The Author doesnt do Deepa Mehta either...

::: The Shankar Version :::

Harry Potter joins Hogwarts. Discovers that Hogwarts is being run by corrupt politicians who have black money and connections with un-gentlemanly people. A mystery killer known as "The Wizard" begins to take revenge on these people. Harry's best friend Ron provides comic relief. Ginny is a seemigly adakka odukkamaana (conservative) ponnu who wears bikinis and halter tops in the songs....There's an introduction song and a song where Harry and Ginny dance. The set probably cost more than the monthly budget of Tamil Nadu and all the backup dancers are dressed as broom-sticks..

Voldermort is this politician head honcho who fears that this mystery killer might eventually get to him. The seemingly superhuman "Wizard" is caught red handed and unmasked...it is revealed that he is Harry.

Then comes the highlight.. a long winded flashback that takes us back to Harry's childhood.. His parents, his uncles, his aunts and his pet hamster are all killed by a corrupt politician...So that day Harry vows to return and take revenge..

Harry escapes from prison with Ron's help and gets back to Hogwarts. Voldermort and Harry have one final obligatory battle and then the movie ends with the police conveniently forgetting that Harry was just accused of a crime...What about Ginny?.. yeah well.. what about her.. a couple more songs and a couple more revealing outfits.......The End..

Note: Some of this stuff was inspired by a chat conversation with Abinand

::: The version starring Vijay, irrespective of the Director :::

Vijay plays Harry who is actually Superman, Batman and the Flash all rolled into one. He flies without the broom, He casts hexes without the wand and Ginny falls head over heels for him when she sees him first. Dumbeldore is Harry's father and he gets killed by local goons and other assorted antisocial elements. The supreme villain is a local MLA called Voldermort..Vijay uses his superpowers to avenge his death. The End...

What?.. yeah.. the movie is over.. the end.. wait for another six months and another movie will release with another title but the same story...and probably the same songs by Devi Sri Prasad.

::: The Simbhu Version :::

Its announced that someone else directed the movie, but we all know simbhu actually directed it. Yuvan Shankar Raja does the music with a few songs sung by Simbhu himself. Ron is played by Santhanam who is irritating in most scenes...

Hogwarts has a lot of loose women and Simbhu seems to enjoy it. Many women end up dead and then there's a flash back...Simbhu's father Dumbeldore was betrayed by a sexy witch who dumped him and went to Voldemort... Ginny is the only nice woman and she gets dumped by Simbhu in the end.

Moral of the Story: All women will sleep with you and then dump you....

The movie is lame... but runs because of the songs and Ginny's costumes... The End.

(Hope you liked that one ! Comment Away !)

Ramayana - The Action Comedy (Part 3) - Battles and Big Brothers

This is the GRAND FINALE ! For Parts 1 and 2 read my previous posts. Read the original posts at http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com

So at the end of part 2.. it was decided that the superpowered monkey god Hanuman go to see whats up at Lanka and try to reason with the ten headed Demon King Raavan. Here's how it happened..

Sugreeva: Order in the court...

Lakshman: Yeah ORDER in the court !!

Sugreeva: We need to decide on several important things today !

Lakshman: Yeah ! Several important things today...

Sugreeva: But our first order of business..

Lakshman: Yeah ! First order of business..

Sugrevaa (is getting slightly annoyed): Ok .. i dont see why you're repeating after me..

Lakshman: Yeah.. I dont see....w..wait..what?

Sugreeva: Yeah..I dont see why're u repeating after me..Hanuman..why did u even bring these guys here?!

Hanuman: Boss.. they got the dough..and they willing to pay big bananas for a search and rescue job down south..

Sugreeva: Whats the take ?

Ram: My Wife...she's been kidnapped.. and We need your help in getting her back..

Sugreeva: Hmm...I see Raavan's at it again.. The last time he kidnapped someone's wife we went into war with him and there weren't many of us who returned in one piece..We need to send someone to reason with Raavan before we do something brash......Those who volunteer to go.....Do not raise your hand..

Lakshman, Sugreeva and a host of other people raise their hands to not volunteer.. Hanuman is unfortunately asleep !

Hanuman: snore.... snore....(wakes up) Wha..?....

Sugreeva: Hanuman..you're going to Lanka..

Hanuman: what?.. i thought we were ALL going to lanka..

Sugreeva: Nope.. this time its just you..you're going to go try talk some sense into Raavan's head..

Lakshman:.....and i heard he has 10 of them..

Hanuman:.. wives?

Lakshman: No.. heads..

Hanuman: ... well...I cant go alone !?!.

Sugreeva: Technically.. u have to.. Ram cant come along cuz he's the hero and the readers are waiting till the end to hear about his big confrontation with Raavan. LAkshman cant go because he's a douchebag..

Lakshman: What?!

Sugreeva (continues):.. and I cant come along cuz i'm the boss...so its going to be you alone.....but.... well...there is one person i can send along with you...provided you promise to bring her back in one piece..

Hanuman: Wow.. a damsel along for the journey..?!..

Sugreeva: Well.. she's not a damsel.. per say... but she's gonna have to do..

Hanuman: Anyways !! I'm on pins and needles here..who is it !!!

Sugreeva: Its Bruno.. the Monkey Princess..turned austrian reporter...

Hanuman: Sorry. there's room only for one person on my jet. c ya later. bye....

Hanuman somehow manages to sneak past Raavan's border patrol.. and reaches Sita in the infamous Ashok'van...Raavan's garden.

Hanuman: Hello there.. lady..!!

Sita: If you're another one of Raavan's demon courtiers... I'M NOT INTERESTED !!

Hanuman: Oh dont flatter yourself honey.. i'm hanuman.. u can call me MR.Hanuman..I'm a mesenger from Ram.

Sita: WHAT?.. Incarnation of GOD.. and all he can do is send a monkey ?!

Hanuman: Monkey God, is more like it...and well.. I"m a monkey god with the siddhis

Sita: What the heck are those?

Hanuman: You know.. the usual.. Super Strength, super speed, teleportation, infinite size, infinite lightness, telekinesis, telepathy, mind control and of course.. invulnerability...

Sita: Well...... do you have claws?

Hanuman: Sure thing.. i got long nails...

Sita: Not claws like that.. Claws like this...show him wolverine..

Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: (snikt!)..Yeah..!! Like this ....(Does claw dance)

Raavan: Whats this racket all about ?!

Hanuman: Look who finally decided to show up...

Raavan: Do you have any idea who i am ?!

Hanuman: Wait.. dont tell me..Ten heads.. and no brain...Twenty hands.. but not a hint of deodorant usage.. u must be Raavan...

Raavan: Seize him !!!

Hanuman is bought to raavan's court all tied up and is interrogated by the demon king himself.

Raavan: Who are you?!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.

Raavan: I know thaaat.. i saw ur id card .. but who's husband AAARE you..!!

Hanuman: I'm Hanuman.. the monkey god..and i'm single..

Raavan: wait what?.. U're not here cuz i kidnapped your wife?

Hanuman: Nope.. I'm here to ask you if you'd be interested in being my "its complicated" on Facebook..

Raavan: Was that some kinda joke?

Hanuman: actually...It was.. and i bet it took u all ten heads to figure that out!

Raavan is obviously enraged and orders his courtiers to tie hanuman up and set fire to his tail..Hanuman, the super cool superhero makes his tail infinitely long just to spite the already pissed off demon king..

Raavan: you're a Superpowered monkey god and all you can do is extend your tail ?

Hanuman: Well.. i'm saving all the other gadgetry for the final battle.

Raavan: What final battle ?

Hanuman: You know.. the one where ram arrives with his army and smashes through you to get Sita back ..

Raavan: oh.. well.. so its Ram's wife i kidnapped yesterday.. the suspense was killing me... ok.. go ahead men.. set fire to his tail..

Hanuman runs through Lanka and sets most of the city ablaze before flying back to Ram, Sugreeva and Lakshman.

Lakshman: So what happened ?

Hanuman: Well.. he set fire to my tail and i set fire to his city... I consider us even.. for now..

Ram: Hanuman.. you're back !.. Is sita all right ?!.. is she fine ?... Did you tell her we'd come for her soon ?

Hanuman: Yeah yeah.. she's doing fine.. appparently drove all the ladies in Raavan's harem nuts with her talk, so he had her shifted to the gardens....

Ram: You mean my poor Sita is all alone ?

Hanuman: Naah.. from the looks of it.. she's got Hugh Jackman as Wolverine for company..

Ram: What ?!... How're we supposed to rescue her from him?!

Bruno: You dont Vurry your pretty head about that raam dear..I vill take Care of Him...Bruno Style !

So plans for the big battle are drawn and they begin marching towards lanka...when they reach the borders of the Lankan city where Sita is being held captive..Sugreeva takes over..

Sugreeva: All right.. so here's what we do..Ram, you locate Raavan and engage him..Lakshman, you take care of Raavan's Son Indrajit....

Lakshman: What ? I thought you were letting me go to the Harem !?

Ram: You arent.. so shut up and pay attention..

Lakshman: Yeah?! Who died and made you boss ?!

Ram: Ok.. you asked for it...Hanuman.. get me a webcam and a laptop..put Urmila (Lakshman's Wife) on the line..

Lakshman: OK ! Sorry !..

Hanuman (chuckles): Well..Lakshman... there's Bruno available when you need him..last i heard they said that kinda thing was ok in India..

Lakshman: Sugreeva.. continue .... please..

Sugreeva: Ahem.. and i was saying.. Bruno takes care of Wolverine, me and Hanuman are going to engage the rest of Raavan's demon army....

Ram: What about Raavan's personal guard..I cant take care of all of them alone..

Sugreeva: Dont worry. I've got you a partner who'll help you with that one..

Ram: What?.. who?!

Sugreeva: He's someone who can handle a thousand demons at once.. fly through the air at the speed of sound..smash through walls of solid rock and rattle off smart sounding one liners !!...

Ram, Hanuman, Lakshman and Bruno: WOW !

The battle begins and each of them engages their respective quarry. Here's how that goes.. Note: The battle between Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and Bruno hasnt been reproduced here to keep up with the PG-13 rating of this blog.

Lakshman: So you must be Raavan's Son..

Indrajit: So you must be Ram's brother..

Lakshman: so what's you story?

Indrajit: Talk less.. fight more..TAKE THIS !

Indrajit impales Lakshman with his Barcchi arrow and leaves him wounded...Lakshman's cries for help are heard by Hanuman and the others.. A distraught Ram asks Hanuman to look for an antidote for the poison that is slowly taking lakshman's life..Hanuman returns soon.. but there's a slight problem..

Ram: What the heck is he carrying ?

Hanuman: Hey guys.. couldnt find the plant you were looking for.. got you the whole mountain instead... You can go looking for the plant yourself..I'm hungry ...

Lakshman is eventually cured and engages Indrajit and defeats him. Meanwhile, Hanuman and Sugreeva are having problems of their own..

Hanuman: Nice...real nice.. i didnt know Raavan's demon army was 720 milion strong !

Sugreeva: Well.. if you got any nice new powers that you've been saving.. you can use them now..

Hanuman: Sorry to disappoint.. but nope..nothing up my sleeve i haven't already tried...I think its time to use our ultimate secret weapon...

Sugreeva: We havent used that one since the great battle of Pani-Puri..

Hanuman: No other go..!!

Sugreeva: All right here goes..!!

(Weepy chorus la la la begins to play...) Karan Johar: Welcome...Today we're gathered here to see my latest movie...."Kabhie Rakshas Kabhie Ram"...starring 33 characters with the silliest story of all time...

The demons are caught up in an intricate, sentimental love story that spans 4 hours..by the end of it, they're all so brain dead that Hanuman, Sugreeva and Lakshman have managed to sneak into Raavan's chambers undetected..News of his demon army being subdued by a silly indian movie reaches Raavan's ears and he decides to take the ultimate step...

Lakshman: So whats next..

Hanuman: Yeah well.. Raavan's gotta have some weapon he hasnt used against us as yet...

Sugreeva: I think we're about to find out what that weapon is !!

HUGE GIANT: HOW DARE you puny runts disturb me !

Lakshman: Wow ! You sure need a diet.. ever tried Subway instead of McDonalds?

Huge Giant: I am KUMBHAKARNA ..!!

Sugreeva: Shucks ! its Raavan's brother ! Run for it !!

KumbhaKarna: Yes ! Be afraid.. be very afraid !.. I am the great demon warrior who sleeps for 6 months and eats for 6 months !

Lakshman: Wow Really?.. See this is why i hate being on the good side.. he's the villains brother and he's got a perfect life.. I'm the hero's brother and i get sent away on an exile for 14 years !

KumbhaKarna: AAARHGOAUOEUOHGLSLUE.....

Hanuman: I see you arent sleeping now....So why arent you eating ?

Kumbhakarna: Are you slow in the head or something ? I'm going to eat you!!

Sugreeva and Lakshman: SAY What?!

Hanuman: Guys ! we'd better think of something before we become Demon Chow !

Lakshman: You know what Kumbhy.... you should turn vegetarian..!! Last I heard..Pamela Anderson Lee was campaigning for PETA...

KumbhaKarna: Pamela anderson who?....

Lakshman: Hanuman!!!

Hanuman: Right on buddy ! (tosses pile of books to kumbhakarna)

Kumbhakarna: Whaddaya think you're doing !....I stopped reading when i was 3 !...you silly ants !!

Lakshman: You dont need to know to read to enjoy those books we tossed you.. just look at the pictures...

Kumbhakarna: Hmm.. lets see...P-L-A-Y-B-O.....

Sugreeva: Now's our chance... run for it !!

Now that KumbhaKarna has been 'defeated'... Ram engages Raavan in his own chambers....

Ram: Finally we meet...this blog has been going on for long enough...

Raavan: My sentiments exactly...

Ram: So lets make this simple for both of us.. You hand Sita over.. and i leave you alive..

Raavan: Am sorry.. was that another joke?... presenting my Personal GUARD !!

Raavan's best warriors storm into the throne room ready to fight Ram.... but remember Ram's partner?.. wondering who he is ?

Ram: Well.. nice posse you got there ..... but they're all going to crumble at the might of my partner.

Raavan: Dont kid yourself.. who's this PARTNER you've got..

Ram: Presenting... The one.... The only.....

RajniKanth: Kanna ! Naa oru dharava Adicha Nooru Dharava Adicha Maari (I hit one time.. actually hitting hundred times !)

Raavan: Who is this Joker ?!

RajniKanth: Enne Paarthu Joker nu sonna mudhal joker nee thaan...(me see joker saying you first joker...)

Ram: Meet SuperSTAR RAJNIKANTH!

Raavan: WHAT?! this is the legendary RAjniKanth ?!

RajniKanth: Paera Ketta Odane Summa Adhuru Dhilla ?! (Name hearing simply vibrating no??)

Ram: OK Rajni .. i'll leave you to it..

Rajni puts on a dazzling display of martial arts and special effects and makes short work of Raavan's personal guard.

Ram: So i guess its just you and me now..

Raavan: AAAARGH ! RAAAM ! I'm going to keeeel you..

Achmad the DEAD Terrorist: That line works only when I say it...

Well... so they fight and fight and fight.. and then Ram finally defeats Raavan.

Ram: You're a demon king with ten heads.. I'm an incarnation of God..It was a no contest from the start !

Sita is reunited with Ram. and they begin the journey back to ayodhya....All is well.. well.. nearly all..

Lakshman: So there's this movie about reptiles i saw a long time back....Blah blah blah

Sita (whispers to Ram): Wont your brother ever keep quiet.

Ram: Help me here Harry Potter..!!

Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter: Muffliato !

.............

Thanks for reading ! Comment away !

Ramayana - The Action Comedy (Part 2) - Of Ascetics and Monkey Gods

Note: Read previous post for Part 1 of the Ramayana Trilogy

Ok.. so we have a nice hero (Ram), a nice pretty heroine (Sita), a nice comedic foil to the hero (Lakshmana). Its finally time to toss in the few variables that will make this a full fledged action enterntainer. The Villain, The third hero and the conflict....


So Ram, Lakshman and Sita set out to the forests to serve the 14 year exile that was handed to them. Things pass on nicely.. I mean... you know...

Lakshman: Okay. so there was this one time.. I was practicing closed-eye arrow shooting on the outskirts of the kingdom and I strolled into this movie theatre..

Sita (whispering to ram): Wont your brother ever keep quiet..

Ram (smiles)..

Lakshman: So yeah.. there's this aaawesome movie thats playing..It was called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Sita: THAT MOVIE wasnt awesome !!!!!!

Lakshman: Aww come on .. it sooo was ! I mean, think about it.. cool hero, Megan Fox, giant robots, Megan Fox, Superb Action, Megan Fox, amazing music, Megan Fox...

Bharata: Did someone say Megan Fox ?

Sita: Hey..What're you doing here?

Lakshman: Yeah.. you JERK .. i thought you sent us here cuz u wanted to be king..

Ram: Bharat..its good to see you. I know you're here to plead for forgiveness and ask me to come back and be king.. but i am obliged to carry out father's wishes.. even if it means 14 years in exile...and relinquishing the right to the throne..

Bharat: Ram.... you're wearing my shoes.. Can i have them back please?

Lakshman, Ram, Sita: DANG !

Well..soon the trio decide to set up camp in a nice clearning in the forest.. Days pass on peacefully until a golden deer passes by while Sita's hanging the clothes..Being the princess that she is..

Sita: Dear?

Ram: Yes Dear?

Sita: I want that Deer.

Ram: You want what, dear?

Sita: I want that golden deer..

Ram: You want that golden what, dear ?

Sita: I want that golden DEER !

Ram: Be more clear, my dear...

Sita: I am clear, my dear..I want that deer !!

Lakshman (Holds up large sign from behind Sita): Just go looking for something.. she aint gonna keep quiet otherwise..

Ram: All right, my dear...I shall go looking for it !

Time passes and Ram aimlessly wanders into the forest....Meanwhile back at base-camp..

Lakshman: Its been a while..I'm getting hungry and Mr.Incarnation Of God isnt back as yet..I'm going to go look for 'im...(draws line on ground).....Do not... whatever happens cross this line !

Sita: What if there's a postman.

Lakshman: We're in the middle of the forest..besides.. no one sends u mail anyways...

Sita: What if there's an earthquake and the roof of the hut caves in

Lakshman: We dont get earthquakes in this part of the country

Sita: What if I need to go water the plants...

Lakshman: You watered them this morning..

Sita: Well.. you eat three times a day.. maybe i should start watering them three times a day..

Lakshman: Well.. I shower once a week... maybe you should water them once a week as well !

Sita: Huh ?

Lakshman: Hang on to that thought.... and u can talk to this "suspicious looking ascetic who wandered into this clearing and is eyeing you continuously" until i'm back.... and mr.ascetic.. if u're planning on kidnapping her.. make sure u gag her well.. she talks too much..(Lakshman speeds up into forest)

Ascetic (hold up hand in V sign): Heya!

Sita: Yeah whatever.. he's one to talk.. so you.. bearded old guy.. whats ur story..

Ascetic: U know.. i gotta great place nearby.. and they're starting the "How I met your mother" marathon in half an hour..

Sita: Wow.. lets go !!

Ascetic (talks to himself): Hey wait a minute ? this is getting to be too easy.. i think this is a trap !

Sita: Come on ! we dont wanna miss the opening..

Ascetic: B..b...but... didnt he ask you to not cross that line he drew on the ground ?

Sita: aww.. what a douchebag.. lets just go ok?!.. i'm bored sick in the middle of this forest ...I wanna go watch some cable television..

Ascetic (Still not convinced) : All right time for Plan B...TRANSFORM !... (Ascetic morphs into the ten headed Demon King Ravana..)

Sita: Wow.. nice CGI.. u working on the next Michael Bay movie or something ?

Raavan: That guy was right.. i should gag her !!

Ravana knocks sita out.. gags her and takes her away to his abode... LANKA ! Lakshman and Ram return to their base and discover a hand written note that says.

" Have kidnapped your wife.. If you want her back. you will have to fight me and defeat me..Yours truly..Raavan of Lanka"

Lakshman: What the hell is a Raavan of whatever...

Ram: Raavan is the present king of Lanka.. looks like he's kidnapped Sita...(rises to full splendid height).. and we have to fight to bring her back !!

Lakshman: aww.. come on.. i heard Paris Hilton is still single ... we can ask her to keep one of those swayamvar things for you.. maybe you could break one of her ex-boyfriends in two or something like that..

Eventually.. Ram and Lakshman decide to go towards Lanka..looking for Sita.

Lakshman: Are we there yet ?

Ram: No

Lakshman: Are we there yet?

Ram: NO !

Lakshman: Are we there YET?

Ram: NO !!!!!

Lakshman: Are we there yet?

Mysterious stranger with Ape Face: He asks that one more time... i'm gonna smash him into the ground..!

Lakshman (chuckles): Hey... Ram.. i thought we were going to Lanka.. not to the set of "Planet of the Apes".. who the heck is this freak anyway..

Mysterious Stranger with Ape Face: You shall pay for this insolence ! I am HANUMAN !...The Son of Vayu (the god of wind) !

Ram: Hanuman sir.. we're on our way to Lanka to rescue Sita... my wife... do you have a GPS we can borrow ?

Hanuman: Certainly noble sir.. but its gonna cost you !!

Lakshman: Name yer price hanu...

Hanuman: Well.. for a few million bananas.. i could be ur loyal friend forever.. and i come complete with my own set of superpowers, battle kit and gadgets !!!

Lakshman: Hey Ram... you got ur credit card on you?

Ram: Yeah.. do you take VISA?

Hanuman: sure.. hold on..yeah.. and i got an Iphone with a card reader application..

Lakshman: Wow. looks like they got an app for everything nowadays....maybe they even got an app that rescues kidnapped wives..

Eventually, Hanuman, Ram and Lakshman reach the Ape Kingdom and meet Sugreeva, the ape king who agrees to help them..It is decided that hanuman first go as a messenger to Raavan's court to try to reason with him..

(In part 3.. Read about Hanuman's confrontation with Raavan and Sita, Kumbhakarna's grand entry into the battle and the final battle between Raavan and Ram to decide the fate of all mankind )

Ramayana - The Action Comedy

No write up about indian culture is complete without mention of its epics. The Ramayana and the Mahabharata.. two epic poems which've become a part of indian pop culture like nothing else! I still remember leafing through the tattered Amar Chitra Katha Ramayana that i had back in middle school...elaborate artwork, nice lettering.. it was probably then that i developed an interest for comics and graphic art.

With Mani Ratnam making Ashokavanam (Raavan in Hindi)... there seems to be a lot of buzz about the ramayan and its associated characters. I, personally would love to see the ramayana as an action comedy..i mean.. think about it.. colorful characters. powerful villains..great scope for death defying stunts and action..

Here're my re-imagining of some scenes that would spice up an action-comedy version of the ramayana...

Note: I do not wish to hurt the religious sentiments of anyone through this post. It is intended purely as an exercise in humor

The serialized version of the Ramayana probably begins with Sage Vishwamitra asking Dhasharatha for his help... Dhasharatha offfers to send his army.. but Vishwamitra would take no one but Rama and Lakshmana....they obviously make short work of the demons that torment Vishwamitra's rites.Afterward, the Sage offers to take the two princes to a swayamvar..

Lakshmana: Hey Ram.. whats a swayamvar.

Ram: Beats me..

Vishwamitra: Its a ceremony where a princess chooses her husband...

Lakshmana: well.....SIR.. arent you a little old to be thinking about marriage..

Vishwamitra: Very funny lakshman.. i didnt have my marriage in mind when i was talking about this.. I had Ram's and yours...

Lakshmana: NOW you're talking !

Kinga Janaka of Mithila (sita's dad) declares that the one worthy enough to lift a sacred bow off the ground, string it and fire and arrow will be the one to marry his daughter..The bow which is actually a gift from the mighty Shiva proves to be more than what everyone can handle..Ram's turn finally arrives.

Ram (muttering to himself): Well it does seem a little heavy.. i'm gonna try lifting it with all my force.... there! its up in the air..just a little more.. maybe i can twist it a little.. the rope isnt going through that hole at all.. must be a trick bow..(bow creaks and SNAPS!)...

Ram (sheepish grin on face): Oops! You got insurance on this thing !?... if not i can ask my father to write you a cheque.

Miscellaneous Prince in Crowd: Aww come on ! I was waiting in line... what do we do now ?

Vishwamitra: Well .. I hear Rakhee Sawant's doing a program called Swayamvar..You can try your luck there

Lakshman: You know what?.. for a 2000 year old sage who's given up wordly pleasures.. u sure do know a lotta stuff..!

So yeah..the story proceeds with ram marrying sita and going back to Ayodhya to live with his parents. The twist comes when Mantara, the maid of one of Dhasharatha's queens poisons her mind.

Manthara: So .... I hear Ram's first in line to become king.

Kaikeyi (combing her hair and youtubeing): Yeah...

Manthara: YEAH? whaddaya mean "YEAH"?

Kaikeyi: What about it. He's young, strong, powerful, just, kind and all that...

Manthara: You're missing the point ..!!

Kaikeyi: Which is ..?

Manthara: Your son isnt being made king ...he has equal rights to the throne..

Kaikeyi: .. am sure he's going to be made 'secretary of state' or something...

Hillary Clinton: What the heck was that?

Bill Clinton: Aww c'mere hillary...(censored...)

Manthara: Awww.. fish.. help me out here TR..

TR: aaaaah Kaikeyiii, Un Kannula Maiyiii...
Anga paaru....un paiyanukku verum moru
Ramanukku kingdommmu...
Nee ippo kudi konjam rummu
Dhasharathan kitta nee poyi pammu
Bharathanukku nee kelu thronu...
Aa Dandanakka.. A danda Nakka !

Kaikeyi is hynotized by TR's charm and asks Dhasharatha to make bharath the king. and... like a July 4th special deal on amazon she also threw in a free 14 year exile for Ram, Lakshman and Sita..

Ram and the others tearfully depart from Ayodhya and Dhasharatha dies of grief...:-(

(to be continued...Will write second part featuring the antics of Hanuman, Ravana and Vibheeshana if favorable comments are received for this one...)

Shiney Oh Shiney !

When I first saw Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi, I did notice more than Chitragandha Singh...I did notice Shiney Ahuja. I mean, the man had everything going for him looks, talent,voice and so on and so forth... this talented actor has landed himself right in the middle of some trouble. By now its common knowledge that Mr. Shiney "Gangster" Ahuja is cooling his heels in the Arthur Road jail at Andheri for the alleged rape of his housemaid. Here's a set of one liners i came up with!

(Warning: Some of these may be what tamilians call a Mokkai .. or what people up north call a PJ.....Please refrain from four letter expletives in your comments..)

Shiney oh Shiney !

We all do have Hazaaron Khwahishein...But those dont include housemaids that land you in Andheri (literally...no more shiney.. cuz no light..no shine remember?)

Sure, it might have been consensual...but a wise man once said something about Femme Fatales.. If they'll do it with you..they'll do it TO you !

Mahesh Bhatt and Sudhir Mishra may have stumbled across a potential superstar.... but little did they know...All that 'Shine'ys is not gold !

Gangsters are cool on screen.. but off screen the long arm of the law will soon catch up with ur Sins !

Tinsel Town has its share of Playboys but looks like Shiney decided to play this one too hard too fast.. (I personally recommend Wii Sports)

The few lamhe that it lasted for may have been worth it.. but looks like there's gonna be a lot more lamhe for you in jail.. sigh... woh lamhe !

...but I mean.. give the guy a break. Look at what he's portrayed on screen... A gangster , a man with a schizophreic girlfriend , a church father who cant keep his Wiimote to himself, a man with a possessed wife, A ground engineer who's plane gets hijacked.. I mean.. come on !...keep giving him characters like this and watch him turn into Darth Vader himself !

In most rural communities when a case of sexual assault happens.. the man and the woman involved are promptly married off to each other.. Well.. if that happens to shiney and the housemaid..it'll be a case of "Rape Ne Bana Di Jodi"

Note: This author does not intend to disrespect any person(s) or organization through this post. In all fairness. the court trial will take its course and justice will be delivered.Our hearts go out to the victims of this injustice.

Read the Original Post at http://a-graduate-life.blogspot.com

20 Things i found while cleaning my room !

Well, by now its common knowledge that I completed my MS thesis defense a week ago. My room was looking like it'd just been the scene of a cat fight between Katrina and Bipasha (over me i guess.. :P)....It was littered with things that ranged from old torn clothes to wrappers of snickers bars.. Once my defense was over, it was like an imaginary veil had been lifted from my eyes. A few online conversations and a few lectures on cleanliness later, I got down to Project CleanUP: A five day event that would ensure that my room would become livable again, but as things progressed i realized that cleaning my room was like taking part in an archeological dig.

Long lost items of historic and intrinsic value began to re-appear and each of them filled me with the feeling most people call "nostalgia"... what better to do with all these pent up memories than turn them into a nice new post.. So here is a list of 20 things i found while sprucing up my room. Its strange how each of these seemingly banal items represent the many facets of my two years as a masters student here... I thank all those responsible for making my degree here a fun filled riot !


Note: There may be those among you who arent represented in this list. I am still cleaning my room (!) and i am sure i will run into something that signifies you !!

Pragnya's Note: This was from a time when Jesal and Avinash used to ferry me to Meijer every other week. Pragnya once wrote me a note that said "For Raghav's eyes only". It was a shopping list that was filled with 'healthy' foods. Peaches, Oranges and Apples. It was topped off with a command that all these items not total over 10 dollars. (god knows how i managed to do that...)

Jesal's Picture: If there's one person who has been a part of every day of my masters even though he isnt here in EL. Its Jesal....He once sent us a package that had a handmade frame for each of us that contained a picture of the four of us together (Jesal, me, sam and anchita). This is something special. Its been moved from its original location below a pile of papers to my study table.

Madhumitha's Card: A memoir from my first birthday. A card that madhumitha had sent me from india. Full of lovely words. This is one thing that made me feel loved, pampered and cared for.

Varun's Book: I dont think anyone could have substituted for the role that varun played in the first year of my masters. This book called "Building, Environment and Energy" was something i stole from somewhere for him. Looks like he finished reading it before he left.

Boarding Pass from my first India Trip: Nothing else brings back the excitement of my first trip to India . An Air India boarding pass.. a ticket to home...to mom's food, pooji and appa.

A rose Anchita and Durga's bouquet of flowers: Anchita and Durga Akka... Friends forever...I found a dried rose from a boquet they gifted me during commencement this year. This was perhaps the most recent of the items mentioned here

The Bill for my PSP: Aaah.. my playstation portable.. the hours of fun and excitement its given me.. I still remember that snowy winter day when i defiantly went to the walmart in okemos ( i walked...)

Notes from my orientation: Orientation can be a pretty goofy time for all of us. I was trying to write down the names of all people i met and was giving them nicknames, so that i could remember them when i met them next. Some of these were pretty nasty. So i threw this one away

An accounts statement from my first india trip: Planning for an india trip takes more than the trip itself. This was a scribble pad page that me, sam, prachi and anchita had put together. For the record.. I did buy Pooji's camera and Madhumitha's ring. Most of the other items in this list were dropped.. as i found better ones.

A small bundle of Sacred Ash: This was something grandmom packed for me before i left india. A small bundle of Udhi that i used very little after i got here.

The recipt from my first visit to ELPL: I have spent some of my most memorable times here at EL with Abinand. Our first visit to the East Lansing Public Library was in the snow (Abinand was having another of his "i want to walk" days..)

Maps of Downtown Seattle and Downtown Chicago: Two years. Two Christmases. Two trips. Chicago: Year One, Seattle: Year Two. Anand Uncle and Family. Rajima and Family. I will forever be indebted to them for their love, affection and support.

The CD from my first Sargam: Me + Sam + Jesal + Pragnya + Prachi + Nikita + Stage = MAYHEM !

A harmonica that Hema gave me in India: This item represented all the nice things that people in india have done for me over the years.

My first Rotomac Glasse pen: The first pen i wrote with when i arrived in America. High sentiment value... I probably wrote my first masters level exam with it as well.

Notes from my first career fair: A representation of things not meant to be...This had a long list of companies i had applied for. Some clicked.. some didnt. All for the best, i guess. :)

A Batman Mask: My first birthday here. The day i turned 21 was another hell raiser of an evening. this was a gift from all my friends on that day. I wore it for a while.. but batman looked kinda dumb with a beard as thick as mine

A winnie the pooh stuffed toy: I still remember the road trip me, sam, kirit and pragnya took to Jackson. This stuffed toy was from a garage sale on the way to that place. Kirit, Sridhar and Venkat...the holy trinity.. :P

The Package from my first IFT: Sometimes winning is everything ! A large collection of papers and package design sketches from the IFT contest that we won. Thanks to all who made this win possible! Shantanu, Megan, Aileen, Eric, Ashley and Nikki.

A PGA Flyer: The PGA and the rest of the packaging fraternity were awesome all the way. I still remember working with kaushik and turk to get this one set up. I should say it was a
little crude.. but from what i heard.. It worked nicely :)

So... that was it !.. more items coming soon. Comment away people !

Read the original post at http:a-graduate-life.blogspot.com